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Home News Nick Booth: Only bigots question Diane’s emotional approach to maths

Nick Booth: Only bigots question Diane’s emotional approach to maths

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Here’s a question: Cressida Dick of the Met Police recruits 25,000 officers for four years in a row.

How many extra coppers are on the beat?

Yes, that’s right 10,000!

Four times twenty five is ten, as any keen student of Dian-nomics will know.

Are you one of those knuckle draggers who thought the answer was 100,000?

Well, the chances are, you are either a racist, a sexist or an Islamophobe.

Again, we can use Dian-nomics to calculate which one it is.

If you criticised Diane Abbot’s grasp of maths, or her lack of research or her staggering displays of incompetence, data scientists have devised a formula to identify which type of far right sociopath the BBC thinks you are.

Maths boffins at Paddy Power bookmakers calculated the odds of the response to every Diane Abbott car crash interview. You can get six to one that the next day Owen Jones in The Guardian will liken Abbott’s critics to the Ku Klux Klan. Meanwhile, if you prefer a safe bet, you can get evens on Penny Red in The New Statesman insisting that its “all because she’s a woman”. The odds of there being a joke about this on a news-based BBC topical comedy show are ten thousand to one, bar the field.

This new radical way of assessing the economy is set to revolutionise the way the country is run. The old hardware of boring old numbers and facts have been separated out from the software of emotions, which are allowed to run free, unanchored by the rationale that rooted them. With maximum liquidity, emotions can traverse the globe, allowing people to make snap judgements about a president on the other side of the world, while ignoring barbarism on their own doorstep.

The virtue-isation of human values creates a massive free market for feelings, the Emotex, a new type of emotional currency exchange. Currently, on the Emotex, one Pussy Grab in the White House is worth more than 1000 human sex slaves in Rotherham. Even though the Pussy Grab is an ‘option’ that didn’t happen, while the UK slavery cases were all too real, the PG still inspires people to take to the fashionable streets. Meanwhile, there are no feminists marching in Rotherham.

Since it operates in the cloud, the emotional currency exchange is highly volatile, so values change all the time. Which is why you see those shouty people in silly outfits – these are virtue-signallers, furiously trading with each shift in values in the emotional currency exchange. “Buy Hillary! Sell Rape victims!” It’s all a bit puzzling for the traditionalist.

Only a keen understanding of Dian-Nomics can help you understand it all.

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Nick Booth
Nicholas Booth is the editor of OhThisBloodyComputer and a freelance technology writer

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