One of the world’s best loved global corporations has warned it may be forced to cut staff wages and slash its tax contribution as a consequence of Brexit. Sources close to Mega Corp – one of the most revered brands on the planet – have briefed the usual churnalists that Britain’s entire social fabric could collapse if the country continues to put democracy before profits.
Thanks to the rise in hate crime, directly caused by a referendum about the processes of government, Mega Corp says it has already been forced to move its HQ into a corporate ‘safe space’ in Luxembourg. It’s thought that Jean-Claude Juncker himself negotiated a ‘special’ deal to allow endangered brands to settle in the region. It was the sort of deal that Britain itself could enjoy if it was much closer to Europe and was called Luxembourg. Juncker moved heaven and earth and several inconvenient regulations in order to help Mega Corp migrate its tax base.
A spokesman for Mega Corp expressed his thanks to the EU president, who is reported to have made special private arrangements that aren’t always available to other countries in a fully accountable, open and transparent system of democracy. “Thanks to Mr Juncker, the tax averse community has a homeland and can practice legal tax avoidance without fear of a letter from shady organisations such as the HMRC,” said a spokesman for Mega Corp.
Meanwhile, the stupidity of the British people, with their ridiculous notions of sovereignty, accountable politicians and the option to vote out administrations that don’t reflect the will of the people, could cause terminal decline, Mega Corp warned. Without the patronage of a global corporation that pays minimum wages and negligible taxes, the social fabric of the country could be rendered asunder, with communities being torn apart and intergenerational warfare that could force mother to fight mother. “I fear that Britain is demming down. Democracy is dangerous and unpredictable. This ‘will of the people’ nonsense could be bad for Britain, bad for your children and your children’s children – if you can afford any,” said Mega Corp.
“The markets don’t like uncertainty,” warned one top city economist who has spent his entire life with his feet under the desk at a cushy global corporation, “shareholders don’t like unpredictability and, as we say in the City, there’s nothing as unpredictable as people. We want hockey stick growth charts, not hustings.”
Unless Britain learns to accept change, we will all be sitting outside tube stations, asking far more successful Remainers, if they can spare any, warned Evan Davis, the BBC’s resident social and economics expert. “One way or the other, you’re going to be embracing change,” said Davis. But, he warned, any beggars who look like they might be Brexiteers won’t get a penny, because they’re not compassionate. They deserve no sympathy either, because they’re all ill-educated bigots who make snap judgements about people they’ve never met.
“I voted Remain, because I believe in non sequiturs,” said Davis.
(Image: adam w)