Coming soon on the BBC, a detective drama that blames Brexit for the collapse of our insect colonies:
Detective Jack Implausible, of the Special Heavy Handed Symbolism Squad, has got enough on his plate already.
He’s been handed a value signalling home life. He’s up to his neck in allegories. And he’s got just 48 minutes to deliver a homily that will bring down the government. As if that wasn’t enough, he’s just landed the Case of the Disappearing Ecosystem.
Someone’s killing insects. Everyone knows who it is. But, as Jack’s boss says, ‘We can’t just round up all the Vote Leavers and put them into concentration camps. The days of gulags and genocide are over, Jack, more’s the pity.’
Brexit voters want to scare away all the insects. They think if all the insects ‘go home’ then Britain will go back to the Golden Age before the Normans Invaded. (Yes, ridiculous isn’t it?) You know it, I know it, everyone at the Polite Laughter comedy club knows it. The ecological vandals of Brexit have to be stopped. But you can’t torture anyone these days, not until Jeremy Corbyn gets into power.
And it’s about to get worse for Jack.
The city is in lockdown after a series of terrible incidents. A lorry drives into a crowd of people on a crowded shopping street. At a train station there is an attack on commuters with a machete. In another part of town, a home-made bomb has gone off.
Now ISIS has released a video claiming responsibility for the insecticide. Naturally, bigots are putting two and two together.
In response, millions of good people have taken to the streets with tea lights, teddy bears and John Lennon song sheets. It’s vital that they show they’re not blaming anyone except Nigel Farage.
But help is at hand. Jack’s colleague from the Luxembourg branch, Inspector Jean Claude-Druncker, has a plan. But first they must meet for lunch at a very expensive restaurant. If Jack can find just a hundred billion euros, before opening time, the world could be saved.