The legend Jeremy Corbyn has gone viral and everyone hangs on his every word, like crumbs from an old man’s beard.
Corbyn absolutely slayed the audience at Glastonbury over the weekend. “There were thousands out there and he absolutely wiped them out,” said one audience member, “Stalin himself couldn’t have killed more people in one sitting.”
Corbyn was headlining at Glasto, the white middle class music festival that takes place inside a secure, impenetrable wall. Those heavy fortifications are vital for keeping out all the poor Trumptonites unable to afford the £238 entrance fee. Since Corbyn is not stupid, then the irony in making a speech about building bridges, not walls, to an exclusively rich Caucasian audience, protected by a wall, would not have been lost. In which case, the contrast between his words and his deeds would make it look like he was sending a cunningly codified message to a white supremacist audience. Or perhaps he is just vain and stupid. Who cares, when a brand is this hot?
Corbyn’s performance masterfully channeled the spirit of America’s Democrat plantation owners, who famously pleaded that without immigrant labour, there would be nobody to pick their cotton. This was Corbyn’s Starbucks moment, and his performance was hailed by his vast media entourage from the BBC, with Radio 1 (the media arm of Momentum) hailing his performance with the words: “When you Ace the chorus”. The pictures of Corbyn’s audience show an almost exclusively white privileged audience chanting his name.
Still, adulation won’t go to his head and Corbyn won’t lose track with his old friends. “No matter how many people chant my name or beg me for selfies, I won’t forget my roots,” says Jeremy. “My friends at Hamas, the IRA and Al Qaeda will always be there to keep me back on terror firma.”
Corbyn will never forget the struggle his own ancestors had when they first came to this country, back in 1066. “William of Normandy came to this country with just a long bow and a sword. But he didn’t rest on his laurels. He got a trade as a Tapestry maker and he worked on a new type of wall mounted mobile media that revolutionised society.”
The Bayeux Tapestry was Britain’s first fake news outlet and to this day Corbyn remains a master at exploiting the immaturities of new media. His ancestors misinformed the peasants and that simpleton-bamboozling tradition continues today. These days he’s fooling the millennials, not the feudal.
Indeed, the Corbyn family has kept up that tradition of revolutionary change, with Piers Corbyn becoming the first generation of Corbyns to float a climate change company on the Alternative Investment Market in the City of London. Corbyn’s recent election victory, in which he won a massive moral majority will surely sweep him to Downing Street. With the help of a bit of light armed insurrection and some justifiable bloodshed.
He’s not the type to get delusions of grandeur and start believing in his own publicity. His family call him Peter Shoestring, a reference surely, to the astute financial management of the team headed by Diane Abacus – rather than a pound shop version of Peter Stringfellow, who also liked to have his photo taken with young women while pandering to grubby old misogynists.
Who knows what we can expect from this great man of the people. Maybe he’s got another Doomsday book for us.