Yesterday, I gave my friend a load of books for his daughter.

I gave him some on Saturday too. In total I must have given about 12 hardbacks. However, in the words of the infamous Buzzfeed clickbait hackette, Kitty Listicle, what happened next might surprise you.

We went to the pub and everything was going well. He mentioned that his daughter was very grateful. But suddenly, after a few beers, a change came over him.

As I came back to the table, I noticed his mood had darkened. He wore the expression of a doctor having to break some bad news.

He said I’m a nice bloke but…people like me are the bedrock of fascism. Though I might think some of the things I say are harmless, he knows exactly where they will lead. My South London upbringing was mentioned in connection with the rise of the Right. It seems there’s a well-worn path from Crystal Palace to Kristallnacht.

I was stunned. This was like one of those interventions you see on TV, where the Housewives of Orange County, gather round and tell Becky Sue that she’s drinking too much. But no, he wasn’t joking, he was deadly serious. My nervous laugh only seemed to drive him to new heights of anger.

The intervention lecture went on. The full diagnosis of my alleged fascism – and the follow up consultation on my lifestyle – lasted another 45 minutes. Apparently, it ‘wasn’t easy for him to say this’, so God knows how long he’d have gone on if he had been really enjoying himself!

Oddly, though I’m obviously an aggressive fascist, I’d never have the nerve to tell anyone how to live their life. Isn’t it a bit of a conceit? Even if you have the qualifications, you should never assume you know what’s best for other people. And he’s got no qualifications in any kind of social work whatsoever. Whereas I at least have some completed a couple of rudimentary courses and have some experience, as a voluntary mentor and counsellor. Which is an odd thing for an anti-social swivel eyed right-wing nutter to want to do.

Then again, he’s left wing and I’ve been pre-judged to be a fascist, so there’s no need for Habeas corpus ad prosequendum – the accused is automatically guilty under those circumstances. Also, being left-wing automatically gives you the powers of instant wisdom and jurisdiction over others’ lives. You often see them petitioning to get people sacked, or hijacking children’s TV shows or charities in order to shoehorn in some important social engineering message.

The trial, which was conducted in my absence, without a jury, was based on the following evidence. I call my country England, rather than Britain. (I always think Britain sounds a bit jingoistic, but there you go). Secondly, I supported a return to accountable government, rather than continuation with the disastrous corruption that is the EU. And finally, the court of The Sussex Tavern in Twickenham heard that I quite like that Milo bloke from Breitbart. This all proves I’m a white supremacist.

Also, I sometimes criticise the NHS. My defence brief, if I’d been allowed one, could have argued that both my parents and two of my sisters worked in the NHS (so that’s two doctors and two nurses) and I worked in The Brompton Hospital – albeit in IT – for a year. So when I say that hospitals often waste money and nobody ever seems to take responsibility, my brief could have argued that my views were not based on bigotry.

But no. You don’t need to actually do anything sociable in order to call yourself a socialist. Declaring yourself as left-wing is enough these days. And any criticism of the NHS is worthy of a stoning. Or an intervention.

Good grief though. Who’s gone mad? Is it me or them?

What should I do? Am I really a Nazi? Should I stop expressing opinions?

(Image: David Holt)

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