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Friday, September 18, 2020
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Home News Nick Booth: No deal is the worst deal for our celeb friends

Nick Booth: No deal is the worst deal for our celeb friends

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Have you noticed one thing about the war of words between the luvvies versus Leavers in the media? The critics of the progress of Brexit negotiations are always luvvies. And what do luvvies do when it’s time to talk money? They all employ agents.

It doesn’t matter how they make their millions, they always leave the important discussion to a responsible adult. Luvvies don’t like to talk about their filthy lucre. But they love to hoard it. Be they e a Clegg, a columnist or a left-wing satirist lining up a corporate gig; there is one part of the commercial arrangement they can’t handle. The negotiation of fees. (Last time I researched this you could get the Two Johns, from Bremner, Bird and Fortune, for £7,500 plus VAT for a guest spot at your company do. For that they would do one of their hilarious Two Johns satirical routines. The canned laughter machine was not included in the deal. The Two Johns’ canned laughter dubber is the hardest working man in show business.)

As with their tax arrangements, fee negotiation is an activity too important for the luvvie to leave to the amateur. Not a penny must be left on the table. Any more than they’d want to contribute a peny extra towards schools and hospitals.

Their socialism may be commercial – it’s only really a personal branding statement – but their money hoarding is personal. That’s serious. You should never make the mistake of getting the two mixed up.

So, when Gary Lineker wants to get the full value for his celebrity, he doesn’t do it himself. It wouldn’t be that difficult to calculate his value in a Walker’s Crisps endorsement deal. Take the sales figures for the obesity crisis flavoured packets of early death for the previous year. Work out how many more vulnerable children might have been encouraged into bad eating habits. Calculate the financial value to Walkers. Then work out how much of that extra revenue could be given to the celebrity as a sales commission. Is 20 per cent reasonable? Or could he get more?

I’ve got no idea. Neither does Mr Lineker. That’s the point. That’s why luvvies all employ agents. Because they know nothing about horse trading, bluff calling and deal making. If the First Bank of Mortgage Mis-Selling wants a left wing comedian to put a gloss over its criminal activities, the marketing director doesn’t go backstage at the London Apollo to approach the man himself. They phone his agent.

To amuse yourself next time you see a Brexit critic on TV, research who their agent is. Then contact them and ask what their client thinks about the negotiations.

(Image: Raphaël Chekroun)

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Nick Booth
Nicholas Booth is the editor of OhThisBloodyComputer and a freelance technology writer

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