Tuesday, April 23, 2024
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Nick Booth: Twitter cops do the liberal elite’s dirty work


Coming soon on BBC 1…..

Detective Jack Tweet is no ordinary cop. As a member of the South Yorks (SoYo) special social media division, SoYo SocMed 19, he walks the tightrope of hurt feelings across the meanest tweets of downtown Cyberia.

The boys and girls of the general public don’t like his methods. He doesn’t do things by the book – but his unconventional approach gets results. And that’s all that matters to his boss upstairs at the Crown Prosecution Service.

Tweet dispenses his justice his own way – Owen Jones style. No right of reply, no presumption of innocence, nohabeus corpus. Punishment at the click of a mouse – in the cohort of public opinion, presided over by Judge Pitchfork.

To Tweet, there’s nothing better than to run in front of the parade of public opinion, and pretend he’s leading it. It is mobs led by plods. And that’s just the way he likes it.

But it’s not all plain sailing. Occasionally, the bad guys wins. Some so-called innocent gets let off on a technicality, like ‘innocence’. It churns Tweet’s guts to see some free speech advocate get bounced back on the tweets by a bleeding heart liberal moderator, on some trumped up excuse of ‘lack of evidence.’

Tweet has personal issues too, a hangover from his time in ‘Nham. Chelte-nham.

Tell me about it. Unless you were at that book festival, you’ll never really understand what he’s going through. The flashbacks. The canapes. The eyes, he stills remember the looks in people’s eyes. Endlessly scanning the room to see if there was someone who could help them climb the ladder and break into showbiz.

Jack lost his best buddy at that book festival – he’s being held captive in Scotland Yard’s publicity division, issuing press releases.

Now he ploughs a lonely furrow at the SoYo SocMed 19, hoping for a BBC documentary team to come along, and turn him into a reality TV star.

Until then, he waits. But if you tweet anything unfashionable, Jack will find you.

(Image: Christopher)

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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