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Nick Booth: All of a Twitter with the Remainiacs


Tweeters and other terror phobics are planning an attack on the scale of the Referendum, security chiefs have warned.

Sir Reginald Homeland, chief of staff for Britain’s Desktop Security Bureau, said jeer hardies are using crude tactics such as radio phone-ins and angry letters to papers to keep their members engaged and finances flowing. Extremists are plotting to ‘take down’ the social cohesion of the country that has been so patiently and lovingly created by Progressive idealists – the current threat level is at critical. But retaliation is in hand. Sir Reg is planning a Tweet Storm and media barrage similar to the ‘Media Backlash’ that followed the Referendum.

The Referendum was almost certainly the work of an insidious group of Twitterists, according to Experts Agree, the recognised authority of non-attributable sources. A series of deadly tweets, which questioned the infallibility of Pope Jean Claude Juncker, panicked the British public into putting a cross in the wrong box. In the most shocking atrocity of all, a bus with a questionable slogan was driven into several towns and cities. The incident caused apoplexy among devotees of the EU’s zero accountability government, the Sclerocracy.

Following the damage created by a referendum, many activists worked tirelessly to rebuild social cohesion, by telling immigrants that everyone hates them. Talk show host Jimes O’Brine dedicated entire shows to the premise that Hate Crimes are on the increase, despite the flimsy evidence. By aggressively insisting that the majority of people hate foreigners – while pretending to be shocked by the confected premise – Remainiacs worked tirelessly to restore the social fabric of the nation. ‘I don’t hate you. But everyone else does,’ the media mockney told any immigrants who hadn’t tuned out of his show yet. ‘Hug me, for I weep for the world!’

However subversive tweeters plan to undo this fine work. According to respected BBC sources, such as An Insider and PeopleRSaying, terror group The Alt-Writ is planning a campaign to destroy all that’s decent, wholesome and good in humanity. Their motive for this is unclear, but ‘it’s understood’ from ‘Security Sources Who Cannot Be Named’ that these people aren’t human. Using an echo-chamber research technique called Zero Tolerance of Contrary Opinions, former LibDem leader Nick Clegg has built an accurate picture of them. According to Clegg, it’s thought they probably want to bring back the British Empire, install a lizard as king and send boys up chimneys. ‘Won’t somebody think of the children?’ said Clegg, ‘but hug me first. For I care even more than Jimes O’Brine.’

A spokesman for Scotland Yard says the police are taking the current Twitter threat level ‘very seriously’. Detectives and undercover mavericks have been pulled off less serious investigations such as ISIS monitoring, machete confiscations and jihad watching.

‘If you are thinking of going on Twitter and registering disquiet, I have this message for you,’ said a Scotland Yard spokesperson. ‘We will find you. And several media mistrials later, we will compensate you. Unlike bombers, we take your tweets very seriously.’

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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