A crack new Scotland Yard unit was celebrating last night after their most successful raid yet on a counterfeit Chartism ring.

The setting for what’s become known as an ‘Owen Jones Factory’ couldn’t have seemed more mundane.


An ordinary semi, in the North London Borough of Gentry, it could be the typical first home of a typical BBC producer. But when the police broke down the doors, they weren’t confronted by coffee table books by celebrity chefs and former terrorists. The walls were not adorned by the typical visual displays you might expect from a member of the condescentii. Instead, the graduation ceremony pictures and depictions of comfortable upbringings have been replaced by complicated wall charts, which describe the exact specifications for genome sequencing, gene-splicing and mass cloning – and the entire floor space had been cleared for heavy biotechnology manufacturing. Because this was no run of the mill North London household that the police had stumbled on. This was an Owen Jones factory, where cut price bogus Bolsheviks were being mass produced.

The police say the gang intended to flood Britain’s media with digital dudgeon (with street names like dudge, hoity toy, agitprop, Thornberry) the lifestyle drug of the media activist. In a visit to one British Broadcasting Corporation (which can’t be named), sniffer dogs found evidence of pound shop partisans on every TV studio sofa in Britain.

The bust can be attributed to a return to good old fashioned coppering, said the new Scotland Yard chief commissioner Cressida Dick. “One of our police officers was watching TV in the canteen and he noticed that Owen Jones seemed to be on every channel and he sensed that something just wasn’t right,” said Dick.

Informants say the streets were awash with cut-price sound bite socialism. “Some of the Facebook Fabians were so obviously bogus we can’t understand how anyone would fall for them,” said Dick.

However, some critics say this is only the tip of the iceberg. “If there’s no Owen Jones available, desperate producers will turn to Penny Red, Mehdi Hasan and even Russell Brand,” said one researcher, “you’ll never win the war on dudge.”

35 COMMENTS

  1. Many a true word spoken in jest, yep there are plenty more Owen Jones available no need to panic, and of course the female version Jack Monroe

    • On the left side of Twitter, they are singing and dancing so much over the departure of Owen Jones that you would think that Margaret Thatcher had died all over again. In fact, that was quite restrained compared to this. But having had dealings in the past with Jack Monroe, I can honestly say that, where her battle with Katie Hopkins is concerned, I have no dog in the fight.

      Two years ago, Monroe, who obviously belongs to the same class as Princess Michael of Kent (the class in which the women have blokes’ names), expressed on Twitter her annoyance at my suggestion, inter a great deal of alia, that she had barely been in the Labour Party that she has forsworn for the Greens now that the target audience of her Sainsbury’s products has migrated from one to the other. She maintains that she joined it when she was 16. That was in 2004, in the middle of the second Blair term, the zenith of Blairism both domestically and internationally. What, in particular, caused her to sign up? The Iraq War? What?

      The adolescent faux-prole act would not have survived attendance at one meeting full of schoolteachers, or full of actual proles, or full of both. That is to say, it would not have survived attendance at any Labour Party meeting, at any level. Therefore, we may only assume that Jack Monroe has never attended any Labour Party meeting, at any level. That the Green Party is attractive to the likes of her, says all that needs to be said about the Green Party.

  2. Apparently my last post needs to be approved. A sense of humour seems to be a thing of the past.

  3. If it doesn’t appear, there were two words that may have caused offence on a leftie site.
    Shotgun and cartridges.
    Many on a conservative site own these items.

    • Test message: shotgun and cartridges, shotgun and cartridges, shotgun and cartridges. Let’s see if they leave it here.

      • Yes, seems fine to me. Must have been something else John Birch said then. Strange, he seems such a calm and placid individual, not unhinged at all.

  4. A joke reply to a joke article and it’s not acceptable, those lefties have certainly penetrated deep into our systems.

        • All three parties have their most left-wing Leaders ever. The Conservative and Labour ones have attracted popular attention in a way that has not been seen simultaneously since the heyday of Ted Heath and Harold Wilson. Moreover, the Liberal Democrats are increasing in membership, in funds, and in vote share.

          As the largest political party in Europe, Labour does not even notice the loss of a number of members comparable to the electorate of one parliamentary constituency, but spread across the entire country. That handful of people comprises the sum total of those who were ever New Labour, as such, to the extent that they would leave Labour if it ever stopped being like that, but would not therefore go back to the Conservative Party, since they had never come out of it in the first place.

          Of course, they could hardly attach themselves to the Conservative Party now, with its talk of workers’ and consumers’ representation in corporate governance, of shareholders’ control over executive pay, of restrictions on pay differentials within companies, of an investment-based Industrial Strategy and infrastructure programme, of greatly increased housebuilding, of action against tax avoidance, of a ban on public contracts for tax-avoiding companies, of a cap on energy prices, of banning or greatly restricting foreign takeovers, and of banning unpaid internships.

          Yet that is as far right as British politics, rather than political commentary, now goes. There is no potential electorate to the right of that. Merely because a few newspaper columnists hold views that could be so classified, then that does not mean that anyone else does. UKIP managed to fail to win even Stoke Central, even this year. It has never won any seat without the incumbent MP as its candidate. But it managed to lose half of those in 2015. That left it with one MP, and he pretty openly wants to quit.

          By very stark contrast, within the present decade, Scotland, Wales, the South of England (outside London, please note), and the North of England have all elected MPs from outside the Labour Party who were to the left of most Labour MPs and of the then Labour Leadership. Scotland, Wales and the South still have such MPs, at this very moment.

          It would be quite a job to be to the left of the present Leader of the Labour Party. But the most active, and by far the best known, candidate at the impending Manchester Gorton by-election is undeniably to the left of most Labour MPs. He is on course to be elected to Parliament as many times as Nigel Farage has failed to be so.

          • David,

            Thanks for this. Outstanding effort!

            I hadn’t realised Owen Jones makes left wing people cringe too.

            I’d love to know why people in TV have such a limited range of pundits to call on. Their database must have only two records – Left Wing Irritant (default record: Owen Jones) and Right Wing Irritant (Nigel Farage).

            Also, Owen Jones is on the BBC so much they should put him on the payroll. It must be his main source of income. HMRC usually takes a dim view of these sorts of arrangements so it’s odd that there’s an exemption for luvvies.

      • He he was only ever the BBC’s licensed impersonator of a left-winger, anyway. Perhaps now it could let a real one on from time to time?

        The only people to have murdered an MP since 1990 have been the Far Right. To which numerous members of Thomas Mair’s own generation who are now senior Conservatives or leading UKIP members (if there can still be said to be such a thing) were intimately connected back in the day. Although a “strong supporter” of Israel did attempt to murder George Galloway while he was the MP for Bradford West. These days, though, that constitutes part of the Far Right. Give that a moment to sink in.

        But no part of the Far Right, including fanatical support for Israel, is ever treated as any kind of security risk. Just as, to return to Owen Jones, you can never be too young to be taken entirely seriously as a right-wing commentator. Not long ago, the Telegraph and the Spectator were simultaneously carrying someone who was still at school.

        And just as there is no view so right-wing that it would preclude, say, a Times column, or a regular gig on The Moral Maze. “White Western nationalism” was extolled repeatedly by Melanie Phillips last week, days after she had written that there were no such nations as the Scots and the Irish. Try and imagine a public figure remotely as Far Left as that is Far Right. You can’t. It couldn’t happen.

        • “Try and imagine a public figure remotely as Far Left as that is Far Right”

          Depends where you put the middle ground.

          If you place say current BBC politics as the middle ground of public opinion, then 85% of the country are right wing.

    • “don’t give up the day job”?

      What a quaint heckle from a bygone age. When that line was first issued, a man had to walk in front of it with a red flag.

      Little tip. If you’re trying to grandstand your cutting edge wit, it might help if you’re not using a cliche that’s 70 years past its tell-by date.

        • I hope you find happiness. God bless you.

          If you need to talk more please come back and take your anger out on me. It’s better that than bullying someone who might be upset.

        • Clearly not. Which is why I’m so grateful that you have read the article in its entirety, been clearly moved and taken the time to comment.

          What a good thing that I can’t write, or imagine how upset you would be if I was able to articulate ideas that you can’t handle.

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