Thursday, October 29, 2020
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Nick Booth: Whiteley and Jones are secret agents for the forces of darkness

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It’s not been a good week has it?

First, Agent Whiteley was uncovered as a spy. Damn those fiendishly cunning left wing good guys. Well, I suppose they are on the side of righteousness and everything wholesome and lovely about humanity. And floating voters like myself are all just evil right wing henchmen. The one thing George Orwell got wrong about 1984 was that oppressive juntas are always terrible at using technology. I don’t know why. Maybe if you’re not good at getting people to talk to each other, you’re never going to be much cop at systems integration either.

Still, what do I know? I’m just an evil knuckle-dragging henchman who wants to conspire to close down the NHS. I’ve never quite understood my motives for wanting to destroy the planet, the health services and the entire moral fabric of humanity, but what do I know? I’m just a bogeyman. You don’t get much time for independent thought when you’re a blank canvass for other people’s mimsy metropolitan psychological projection.

Left wing people, on the other hand, are so much better than us. They are good people, damn them. And that, you see, bestows on them a massively superior weapon – the power of love. Their wholesome loveliness and humanity will always triumph over our simple, evil-based limitations. (If I was a bit more sophisticated, I’d question some of the contradictions inherent in these assumptions of a bi-polar good-evil humanity axis. If I only had a heart – or that other thing.)

Hollywood movies aren’t the cynical distortions of reality we assume they are. Good always triumphs over evil, so it was only a matter of time before our man in TV was caught.

Agent Whitely has been exposed as a spy who used his power as the presenter of Countdown to get Ricky Tomlinson banged up. I’m surprised how long it took The Good People to spot the old ‘Undercover Game Show Host’ ploy – it’s hiding in plain site on page 1 of The MI5 Book of Dirty Tricks. You’d have thought that The Good People, with their omnipotent power of love, would have rumbled this one earlier.

I fear I have to warn you it’s about worse. Having rumbled one celebrity spy, it’s only a matter of time before other undercover agents are exposed. We are desperately trying to pull strings to get Agent Christopher Biggins and Agent Herr Flick (of ‘ello ‘ello fame) pulled out before they are exposed.

It’s backs against the wall time, I’m afraid.

Still, it’s not all bad news. Agent Jeremy Corbyn continues to work for us. If caught, he is expendable, because he seems to have gone native some time ago and is genuinely preferring terror organisations to his peace-loving fellow civilians.

And then there’s Owen Jones. He is continuing to drive more floating voters away from the Left than any other shouty arrogant youth in history. We took the lessons learned from the early model William Hague (a youthful know-all with a meandering Yorkshire accent) and accentuated them to create the most powerful agent of revulsion in political history. Agent Jones has a gift for rubbing ordinary people up the wrong way, constantly accusing them of evils like “increasingly xenophobic and authoritarian brand of populism” without any evidence, whatsoever, to back this up. He’s got ‘only child’ written all over him. Which is why he appears not to appreciate that the British public takes offence at being likened to a despicable group of troglodytes. Jones would probably give us some demonic sounding new title, like The New Gen-Pub.

Jones is a genius. He knows exactly how to put people off voting for Labour. He makes Russell Brand look like Gandhi. His latest lecture about how Corbyn isn’t good enough is a masterpiece. He’s been hectoring everyone for months about their lack of support. Now, he’s suddenly realised that the crowd is moving in another direction, so he’s run in front of the parade and pretended to be leading it. If that wasn’t insulting enough, he’s doubled up the pain with an enormously lengthy patronising lecture. Soon the Gen-Pub will become completely desensitised to all Labour politicians, even the decent sensible ones.

Good work agent Owen. With men like this in place, there’s still a chance that evil can triumph over good.

And the world will be ours. And we can finally close all the hospitals, banish the nurses and melt those pesky ice caps. The polar bears will have to either drown or eat out of our bin bags – for all eternity!!!

Come on. I hope you will all join me in an evil sneery laugh.

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Nick Booth
Nicholas Booth is the editor of OhThisBloodyComputer and a freelance technology writer

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