The National Union of Journalists and BBC governors were in crisis talks last night as a new scheme threatens thousands of jobs. The row centres around plans to automate predictable aspects of the BBC’s acclaimed Ruling News Service, acclaimed by North Korea, which leads the world in opinion shaping.
The focus of union anger is a new machine, dubbed the AbrexipanSta, which it’s claimed can automatically carry out the work of up to 100 BBC journalists. The AbrexipanSta (automated brexit panic station) can sift through dozens of daily events and instantly create a worrisome narrative that will furrow brows at a 100 metres. In the wake of the referendum, when a majority of voters defied the wishes of the BBC, mandarins have demanded that the Ruling News Service steps up its production of ‘black cloud’ stories. However, the understaffed BBC is being forced to find new ways to ramp up production through automation.
Early automated news models were criticised for being crude finders and replacers of key words – one reviewer described the machine as a ‘glorified noun swapper’. But the latest incarnation of the system includes artificial intelligence that is devised to put a more sophisticated negative spin on everything, from seemingly positive employment figures, to sporting achievements, to this nice weather we’ve been having recently. “Britons can’t be allowed to relax and enjoy the sunshine. They have to be told that they’re sleepwalking into skin cancer, while Nigel Farage has slipped Jean-Claude Junker’s benevolent restraint and is hell bent on closing the health service,” said BBC production guru Berkshire Brigstocke.
The new software includes so-called Hellgorithms, which contain complex mathematical formulae that calculate the fastest route to the downside of everything. One reviewer said the new AbrexipanSta could induce more depression than a fortnight with Will Self. “Depressing the people of Britain to suit our own political agenda is no longer a nine to five job,” said Brigstocke, “we have to be holistically pessimistic on a range of journalistic cliches, from acronyms to xenophobia, from dubious research to implausible accounts of racism, delivered from the height of conceit to a range of depression consumption devices. The BBC’s Ruling News Service is the envy of the world.”