Monday, March 4, 2024
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Ofcov – we have ways of making you Chinese


FROM next month, Britain is to have a new regulator for its fastest growing economic activity, pandemics.

Ofcov (The Office of Covid) will preside over many activities associated with Pandemics Germ Wars and Collaboration Services. Activities under its regulatory umbrella will include media circuses, mass popular deceptions and manipulative marketing, which are now a permanent feature of British life.

‘It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good,’ said Britain’s leading Covid beneficiary, Professor Neil Far-Guessing, the Mystic Meg of Epidemiology.

Ofcov was inspired by Britain’s need to emulate the People’s Republic of China, which has profited immensely from the coronavirus. Britain must find its place in a world run by an oppressive regime untrammelled by guilt about its colonial past or its human rights record.

‘Dystopian disruption has created a new supply chain, from Petri dish to pandemic,’ says Far-Guessing.

Many agile US corporations have already re-aligned their loyalties and re-configured their morals. Big Technology companies are turning their virtue signalling dials up to 11 to drown out protests about the brutal, authoritarian regimes under which their ‘iconic’ computers are assembled.

‘Labour camps good, Trumping bad,’ said Nick Clegg, Facebook’s Global Head of Free Speech Censorship and Cino-Sycophancy.

With his track record of profiting from regulations, Clegg perfectly exemplifies how negotiations work between powerful private interests and the public. Clegg has never been out of pocket when representing students, the LibDems or British in the EU. (Mind you, his constituents have suffered terrible losses.)

However, there are times when he has emerged triumphant: when lobbying on behalf of the powerful. Ever the mould-breaker, Clegg is the first liberal who speaks untruths for power. Recently he lobbied on behalf of American technology corporations to ensure that Ofcom puts US corporate interests over those of the British people.

Some fear that Ofcov will serve its people with all the sense of duty and loyalty displayed by Nick Clegg when representing his party, his people and his taxpayers. The socially conservative British public will worry about a new dystopic dynasty under the control of an unelected human rights violator.

However, since a deadly virus was introduced to the public, civil servants have been quietly pleased at the lack of resistance and want to push on. Democracy and accountability have no place in a political climate of fear. Germ-assisted conflict resolution has been pronounced a ‘game changer’ by senior mandarins. ‘In terms of legislature, Parliament has been replaced by the Petri dish,’ said one permanent secretary, ‘and that’s exactly how we like it.’

While the acceptance of Covid culture has surprised the Laboratorial Elite, it has left the rest of society completely in the dark. Every sector of industry and public life has found it difficult to operate under the new conditions, as old traditions die out and new institutions are rapidly established.

Every mask clamped on to a human face represents change on many levels. There are the personal proactive equipment (PPE) makers who won the supply contracts. There will be public authority figures who awarded the contracts. There will be hi-viz jobsworths dishing out fines for non-compliance. Councils collect the fines and ‘officials’ exploit the process. Arguably, millions of people are having their ancient rights abolished too.

Lockdown levies have been a massive generator and have replaced income lost by wheel clamping firms, tow-away trucks and traffic enforcement artists.

Meanwhile, lockdown fever has stimulated a massive spike in activity from Britain’s sanctimonious communities, not just in the broad media but in areas such as Corporate Social Responsibility.

‘Until now, it’s been a hard decade for the morally bereft boardrooms of global corporations,’ said one fizzy drinks manufacturer. Now, thanks to Covid, companies which employ slaves in their Chinese factories and use kids to extract minerals from Congolese mineral mines are no longer ashamed of their exploitation. Now they feel empowered to lecture the public on climate change and human rights.

What will Ofcov do?

Like many of the regulatory bodies on which it was modelled, Ofcov will begin by ignoring every issue raised by the public while instantly responding to big business.

All queries will be fobbed off as they complain about skeleton staff and having to work from home.

If Ofcov does assess any complaint, it will seek the first excuse to rule in favour of the powerful lobbyists. Having stonewalled the majority into submission, it will commission a study into its effectiveness and proclaim its outstanding performance.

Will Ofcov be another Quango of Quislings? Will it ever stand up for the powerless?

In short: no. The more complex answer is: talk to the call centre.

Meanwhile the acting head of Ofcov, Professor Far-Guessing, is unapologetic about the imposition of a new regulator.

Yes, he admits, his projections might have destroyed lives. But, if it revives the career of just oneprofessor, it will allbe worth it, says Far-Guessing. ‘Ask not what it does for the GDP, just look what it’s done for me.’

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Nick Booth
Nick Booth
Nick Booth is a freelance writer.

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