HOT on the heels of the Roald Dahl books being rewritten to take out ‘offensive’ words and phrases, the James Bond novels are now being purged by ‘sensitivity’ readers. This means that allegedly racist and sexist terms will be expunged from Ian Fleming’s classic tales of secret agent 007.
However, I can reveal that the censorship doesn’t stop with the odd change here and there. Leaked documents show that some of the Bond storylines are being rewritten wholesale to fully embrace political correctness, wokery and snowflakery. They include:
Original: At the Blades gentlemen’s club in London, Bond catches Nazi villain Sir Hugo Drax cheating at cards and wins a small fortune off him to teach him a lesson. He later discovers that Drax plans to launch a nuclear missile from his industrial complex near Dover, aimed at London.
Rewrite: After Bond beats him in a friendly game of snap, Drax agrees to stop building weapons of mass destruction and switches production to wind turbines and ground source heat pumps.
Live and Let Die
Original: Bond pursues the black villain Mr Big, who uses voodoo to terrify his underlings, to Jamaica. He blows up his boat and the criminal mastermind is eaten by sharks.
Rewrite: Using skills learned on the Secret Service Inclusivity and Diversity Course, Bond confronts Mr Big and accuses him of cultural appropriation because he is wearing a Savile Row suit. Mr Big’s gang members quit in disgust and Bond arrests him.
Original: Following their epic baccarat game, Bond is abducted by the French communist agent Le Chiffre, tied to a chair and tortured.
Rewrite: With Bond tied to the chair, Le Chiffre tells him: ‘Monsieur Bond, I have just read this Gamble Responsibly leaflet, which I found in your coat pocket. It says, “When the fun stops, stop.” I realise I no longer find gambling fun, so adieu.’ He then shoots himself.
From Russia with Love
Original: Bond is held at gunpoint on the Orient Express by the Soviet assassin Red Grant, who plans to shoot him when the train enters a tunnel.
Rewrite: Before reaching the tunnel, the two get into a lively discussion over the merits of the locomotives used on the famous rail service. Grant argues that the original 2-6-4 Austrian-built Golsdorf BR310 had no equal, while Bond contends that the heavy 4-8-2 French ‘Mountain Est’ was smoother and more powerful because of its boiler tube configuration. They are still talking when the train passes through the tunnel and Grant, intrigued by Bond’s knowledgeable observations, alights in Vienna to order a copy of The Modern World Book of Railways.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
Original: Bond takes part in a helicopter assault on a Swiss mountain ski resort where his arch-enemy Ernst Stavro Blofeld is operating a biological warfare laboratory. They both jump on to bob sleds and Bond hurtles down the icy slopes after Blofeld.
Rewrite: Because of global warming all the Alpine snow has melted, stopping Bond and Blofeld in their tracks and alerting them to the global environmental emergency. Bond resigns from the Secret Service to pursue a career in climatology, while Blofeld disbands his terrorist organisation SPECTRE and joins Extinction Rebellion.
You Only Live Twice
Original: Bond sets out to kill Blofeld, who has established a Garden of Death full of poisonous plants on the Japanese island of Kyushu. It attracts hundreds of people who use the toxic seeds and shrubs to commit suicide. After a bruising fight, Bond strangles Blofeld.
Rewrite: Blofeld tells Bond that the garden is a major source of biodiversity. It absorbs greenhouse gases while the dead bodies provide a natural organic fertiliser. Aware of the Secret Service’s policy on climate change, Bond does his bit by pruning Blofeld’s deadly nightshade border.
Original: Bond wins a high-stakes round of golf with Goldfinger at Royal St Mark’s.
Rewrite: Goldfinger asks for another game, but 007 says: ‘I must get back to my flat in Chelsea; I have a leaking tap and want to find someone to fix it.’
Goldfinger tells him: ‘Oh, my manservant will do it for you.’
Bond: ‘You mean the chunky Korean who kills with a steel-rimmed bowler hat and can cut a brick in half with a karate chop?’
Goldfinger: ‘Yes, but those are just his little foibles. His name’s Oddjob and he really likes doing odd jobs.’