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Oscars goody bags – the austerity edition

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AMAZING goody bags containing gifts worth 100,000 dollars – more than £70,000 – will be handed to selected stars at tonight’s Oscars ceremony in Los Angeles. 

The 75 gifts include everything from luxury holidays and beauty treatments to top-end food and drink for A-listers who can well afford such stuff themselves.

There was speculation that the same hyper-indulgent package will be on offer to those walking the red carpet at the 2021 Bafta Awards in London on February 14 next year. 

However, after last Sunday’s virtue-signalling Baftas – where luvvies were asked to re-wear clothes or hire them in the name of sustainable fashion (although in the event there was not much sign of off-the-shoulder bin bags) – it’s been realised that conspicuous consumption of freebies might not go down well with fans.

So there’s been a rethink. And here we list tonight’s Hollywood goody bags alongside the ones that will be handed out at next year’s Baftas . . .

Oscars: Twelve-day trip for two to the Antarctic on the world’s first ultra-luxury expedition yacht, the Scenic Eclipse, which has a 10,000-dollar per night penthouse suite.

Baftas: Return day crossing on the Isle of Wight ferry (foot passenger).

Oscars: Hypoallergenic, biodegradable bust support tape by Yen the Label, made with organic cotton (no genetically -modified seeds) and containing five per cent Spandex for easier stretch.

Baftas: A tin of Band Aid plasters

Oscars: £20,000 worth of procedures from Upper East Side cosmetologist Dr Konstantin Vasyukevich, specialising in artful treatment of the ageing face, eyelids, and neck / A supply of Seurcell Serum with KFS Cellular Protein Complex, blending more than 1,500 key skin nutrients / A one-year supply of Oxygenating Foundation from Oxygenetix.

Baftas: Tube of Nivea Crème (100ml).

Oscars: A stay at luxury private suites in the Faro Cumplida, a working lighthouse on the Canary Island of La Palma.

Baftas: A night at the Luton Travelodge with the lights left on.

Oscars: Five-night stay at the new Waikiki Beachcomber wellness hotel in Hawaii, including poolside yoga, spa rituals, and farm-to-table brewpub.

Baftas: A night at the Luton Travelodge with the lights off.

Oscars: Sensuous Silk Kimono Robe by Soma made from 100 per cent silk. 

Baftas: Paper hospital gown

Oscars: Tasting kit of Coda Signature’s chocolate edibles for eight, infused with CO2-extracted cannabis oil and made from ethically-sourced cacao.

Baftas: Bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk (120g).

Oscars: 24-carat gold Royal Chakra Full Moon Charged Amethyst bath bomb from Hotsy Totsy Haus, containing Brazilian purple clay, buckhorn and oat kernel extract coconut milk, aloe, and organic hyaluronic acid.

Baftas: Packet of Epsom salts.

 Oscars: Bottle of A Junod white absinthe, handcrafted among the Jura Mountains of France according to authentic 19th century traditions, making it popular among Parisian artists and writers.

Baftas: Can of Stella Artois

Oscars: Supply of hydrogen-infused water from HFactor to help increase athletic performance, deliver powerful antioxidants and reduce post-exercise inflammation.

Baftas: Glass for getting a drink of tap water.

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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