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Overheard at the State Opening


AS Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn walked into the House of Lords for the State Opening of Parliament yesterday, the tension between them was clear. Corbyn looked particularly stony-faced.

However, they and other MPs did exchange rather stilted snatches of conversation, and a microphone glitch meant that what they said was recorded . . .

Johnson: ‘Morning, Jezza, old man. Sorry about the election and all that.’

Corbyn: ‘I was squeezed in the marginals.’

Johnson: ‘Ouch! That must have been painful. But look on the bright side – you can now spend more time on your allotment. What’ll you be growing next year?

Corbyn: ‘Cobblers.’

 Johnson: ‘No need for that sort of language. I only asked.’

Corbyn: ‘Irish Cobblers – they’re a variety of potato.’

Johnson: ‘I see. And what are you doing for Christmas?’  

Corbyn: ‘Balls.’

Johnson: ‘I say, steady on . . .’

Corbyn: ‘We’ve been invited to stay with Ed Balls.’

Johnson: ‘Ah. Enjoy.’

Priti Patel: ‘Diane, are you limping? Those faux leopardskin shoes you’re wearing look a bit awkward.’

Diane Abbott: ‘Theresa May gave them to me from her collection just before we walked in. She said they’d make me look more fashionable. But I didn’t notice that one’s got a high heel and the other’s a flatty.’

Sajid Javid: ‘Morning, John. Done your Christmas shopping yet?’

John McDonnell: ‘I’m off to Oxford Street this afternoon. Here’s my list: Free broadband for the whole country, free tuition for students, a four-day working week, electric buses, nationalisation . . . oh, sorry, wrong piece of paper. I mean perfume for the wife, selection boxes for the youngsters, a bottle of sherry for the neighbours . . .’

Jacob Rees-Mogg: ‘I say, what a splendid shirt! Do you shop like me at Turnbull & Asser?’

Jon Ashworth: ‘No, Tesco & Asda. We’re not all made of money, you know.’

Dominic Raab: ‘Well, Keir, Remain is definitely off the table now, isn’t it?’

Keir Starmer: 
‘I don’t know about that. The old dodderer could hang on for ages yet. And then we’ll just get another Corbynista as leader.’

Ian Blackford: ‘Guid mornin, lassie. Glad tae meet ye. It’s a wee braw bricht and bonnie day, is it no?’

Emily Thornberry: ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Welsh was never my strongpoint.’

Prince Charles: ‘Gosh, Mummy, what a dreadful bunch.’

HM: ‘Quiet, Charles. We’ll be back at the palace soon and we can put our feet up and watch The Crown. I think Olivia Colman plays one quite well, don’t you? But God knows who they’ll get to play this lot in Series 4.’

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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