(With apologies to William McGonagall)
Lines on receiving Intelligence of a Vexatious Statement by Boris Johnson that there is no Border between England and Scotland.
Beautiful border town of Gretna Green!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That at the beginning of this month of July in this Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty
I fear your fair acres sublime
May ere long be the scene of alarums and disturbances which will be remember’d for a very long time.
For ’twas at Prime Minister’s Questions on Wednesday last
That yon Sassenach dobber Boris Johnson rendered forth a blast
Stating there was no Scottish border
Causing the Honourable Speaker in his majesty berobed and serene to call for Order, Order
Johnson’s calumny vile was conveyed to Edinburgh, approximately 400 Statute Miles from London on the banks of the Silv’ry Forth
And which in days gone by has been correctly praised as the Athens of the North
And there in her anger mighteous
Our First Minister fragrant and wellbeloved, Nicola Sturgeon, issued a counterblast righteous.
Brandishing Ordnance Survey Landranger map 85 (Carlisle and Solway Firth), standard version £8.99
With dexterity damning, she pointed to the relevant line
That shews with clarity indisputable
That there is a border long immutable
And by common consent wee Sturgeon prosed with eloquence prime
Which will be remember’d for a very long time
Alas! I fear now that the beautiful border town known mainly as the venue for eloping lovers to plight their troths, Gretna Green
May undergo a transformative metamorphosis into a base for quaranteen
To save fair Scotland from the scourge of that foul distemper that has vexed our apothecaries, Covid-19
And if such a fate befalls Gretna Green, the hordes of Albion delayed on their northward progress might vent their wrath without reason or rhyme
And woeful remonstrances will be engender’d which will be remember’d for a very long time.