Wednesday, September 30, 2020
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Poetry for today

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(With apologies to William McGonagall)

Lines on receiving Intelligence of a Vexatious Statement by Boris Johnson that there is no Border between England and Scotland.

Beautiful border town of Gretna Green!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That at the beginning of this month of July in this Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty

I fear your fair acres sublime

May ere long be the scene of alarums and disturbances which will be remember’d for a very long time.

For ’twas at Prime Minister’s Questions on Wednesday last
That yon Sassenach dobber Boris Johnson rendered forth a blast
Stating there was no Scottish border
Causing the Honourable Speaker in his majesty berobed and serene to call for Order, Order

Johnson’s calumny vile was conveyed to Edinburgh, approximately 400 Statute Miles from London on the banks of the Silv’ry Forth

And which in days gone by has been correctly praised as the Athens of the North
And there in her anger mighteous

Our First Minister fragrant and wellbeloved, Nicola Sturgeon, issued a counterblast righteous.

Brandishing Ordnance Survey Landranger map 85 (Carlisle and Solway Firth), standard version £8.99

With dexterity damning, she pointed to the relevant line

That shews with clarity indisputable

That there is a border long immutable

And by common consent wee Sturgeon prosed with eloquence prime

Which will be remember’d for a very long time

Alas! I fear now that the beautiful border town known mainly as the venue for eloping lovers to plight their troths, Gretna Green

May undergo a transformative metamorphosis into a base for quaranteen

To save fair Scotland from the scourge of that foul distemper that has vexed our apothecaries, Covid-19

And if such a fate befalls Gretna Green, the hordes of Albion delayed on their northward progress might vent their wrath without reason or rhyme

And woeful remonstrances will be engender’d which will be remember’d for a very long time. 

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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