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Putin Through The Looking Glass


AS SOON as the evil dictator Putin launched his ill-fated invasion of peaceful democratic Ukraine, the West sprang into action with a full suite of economic sanctions against Russia. These were designed to impoverish the West by cutting off Russian food, fertiliser and fuel, and Putin has been staggered by the results. Faced with the catastrophe of the basket-case rouble doubling in value since his invasion started, and with the rest of the world taking no notice, Putin can no longer anticipate what the West will do next.

The incisive President of the US, Joe ‘get me an ice cream’ Biden, has vowed to send lots of obsolete US weapons to the black market in Ukraine. Meanwhile, iron-jawed EU supremo Ursula von der Leyen has ruthlessly cancelled some purchases of Russian coal, oil and gas, and instead will be buying Russian fuel from India and other middlemen at far higher prices. Sock it to him, Ursula! That will knock out Putin’s economy!

Putin’s invasion has been faring no better. Everyone has no doubt heard of the ‘Ghost of Kiev’, the ace Ukraine fighter pilot credited with knocking out 4,000 Russian military planes in the first few weeks of the Slavic horde’s invasion of peaceful democratic Ukraine. The evil Putin was shocked to his core when he realised his invasion plan had been wrecked by one plucky Ukrainian.

With his plans in ruins, Putin’s anger knew no bounds as he frenziedly sacked 200 of his top generals and mobilised Russian schoolboys and pensioners to keep his faltering invasion going. It was too much for him so he was forced to retire to a darkened room, emerging blinking and pasty-faced a month later, evidently ill. His sorry plight was instantly spotted by intrepid reporters on the front lines in London.

Worse was to come. Putin’s military kept running out of missiles, then unaccountably finding some more tucked down the back of the sofa in his Black Sea dacha. Instead of engaging in hand-to-hand combat, Moscow’s cowardly conscripts took to pounding the plucky Ukrainian fighters from a distance with artillery. As Ukraine gave ground, it became clearer by the day that Russia was losing. What underhand trickery would the evil dictator employ next?

Knowing that the plucky Ukrainian soldiers couldn’t resist dating plucky Ukrainian nurses, Putin instructed 94 of his best soldiers to construct a trip-wire booby-trap around the hospital in Kinski Rozdory in Zaporizhzhia Oblast in south-eastern Ukraine.  Satisfied after six days of work rigging hand-grenades to the trip-wire, the Russian conscripts sat back in anticipation of any plucky Ukrainian dimmer than they were.

They didn’t have long to wait.  A Ukrainian goat wandered by, looking for a morsel from the plush lawns of the plucky Ukrainian hospital. The goat had a fringe over its eyes, so was unaware of the booby-trap, and was slow-moving due to being a tad overweight. Frantically, the Russian conscripts broke cover, waving their arms in a vain attempt to frighten the goat away. Panicking, the goat ran into the trip-wire setting off the hand-grenades and injuring 400 Russian conscripts.

We know we can rely on this report from Ukraine, filed by a plucky Ukrainian reporter who witnessed the whole chaotic episode, since all reports from Ukraine are definitely true. After all, you don’t think the Russians would own up to that comedy debacle, do you? Meanwhile the goat, answering to the name ‘Boris’, was found dazed and confused, wandering in the streets of Tiverton before being shipped off to Rwanda to hide from the unwelcome publicity.

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Nick Martinek
Nick Martinek
Nick Martinek is retired from a career in machinery design and development, (sometimes) enjoying the company of his children and grandchildren.

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