Thursday, May 26, 2022
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Queue here for your Truss Pass

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TCW Defending Freedom has uncovered government plans to reassure the public about the conflict in Ukraine. This is the document . . .

Now that the Covid pandemic is in abeyance, Her Majesty’s Government realises that the public will have new and justifiable fears about the war in Ukraine. Once more we have sought the wise counsel of Professor Neil Ferguson, Sir Chris Whitty and the estimable Susan Michie, to help us formulate guidance about how to stay safe during the current emergency.

We are gratified to learn that individuals and organisations have already taken steps to prevent any harm that may arise from exposure to Russian culture. For example, the Cardiff Philharmonic has cancelled an all-Tchaikovsky programme, and many theatres have banned performances by Russian ballet companies. We are aware that a university in Milan has banned the works of Dostoevsky.  We are also pleased to see the disappearance of Russian vodka and other tainted produce from the shelves of supermarkets.

To reinforce these efforts, we propose the implementation of a mandatory Inappropriate Thoughts about Russia Pass, aka the Truss Pass. For those who have been vaccinated, the Truss Pass will be an additional feature on your NHS Vaccination Pass. For the unvaccinated, the new pass must be downloaded by the end of the month. Failure to do so will disallow the miscreants from purchasing food and using public transport.

The Truss Pass will ensure that nobody can download any Russian literature, films or music; nor can they buy any Russian products online. Attempts to do so will lead to a fine of up to £10,000. Furthermore, if anyone attempts to call, or message someone with a name ending in ‘-ov’, ‘-ova’, ‘-ovski’ or ‘-ovska’, they will be arrested and face unlimited detention.

But we cannot stop there. We must go further. 

It is clear that certain words are causing distress to members of the public because of their similarity to the name of the Russian dictator.

Consequently, it has been decided that alternative words must be used for the following:

‘Putney’ is to be renamed West Wandsworth 

‘Putting’ is to be called ‘Trying’ 

The verb ‘to put’ is to be replaced with ‘to place’ 

‘Putty’ must now be referred to as ‘Window reinforcement’.

The word ‘putrid’ may still be used.

We are confident that these measures will ensure that the public are compliant with government policy, and, if that does not prove to be the case, we will not hesitate to introduce more decisive actions to keep people safe by restricting their freedom of thought and objective analysis.

If you appreciated this article, perhaps you might consider making a donation to The Conservative Woman. Unlike most other websites, we receive no independent funding. Our editors are unpaid and work entirely voluntarily as do the majority of our contributors but there are inevitable costs associated with running a website. We depend on our readers to help us, either with regular or one-off payments. You can donate here. Thank you.

John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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