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Revealed, the British Bias Corporation’s impartiality course

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FOLLOWING the outstanding success of the corporation’s Wellness Initiative, BBC Training has devised a course to address public concerns about its impartiality. A copy of the course outline has been leaked to TCW … 

Aims and Objectives  

As a result of pressure from a small group of ultra Right-wing individuals and extremist organisations, and in order to maintain the licence fee, it is necessary for the BBC to give the impression that it cares about balanced and impartial reporting. 

Contents: Reasons for this training; What is impartiality? Examples of impartiality; Actions required.  

Reasons for this training 

The tutor will encourage participants to briefly imagine that they are patriotic, Brexit-supporting, religious, Conservative-inclined, licence fee payers who are unhappy with the output of the corporation.  

They will then be invited to think of at least one reason they may want to continue to pay their licence fee. If no answers are forthcoming, the tutor may be able to assist. A safe space, with recordings of whale sounds, will be available should any trainee feel extreme discomfort during this exercise. 

What is Impartiality? 

The world is a complex place. Most viewers and listeners will have little or no understanding of the great issues of the day, and will often develop extreme views based on their inferior and inadequate life experiences. Research has shown that most will have no knowledge of dialectic materialism, cultural relativism or Guardian editorials.  

The course will explore the perverse public understanding of ‘impartiality’, with contributions from Owen Jones, Femi Oluwole and other regular guests on our current affairs output. 

During a brainstorming exercise, trainees will identify those such as Kathy Gyngell, James Delingpole and Rod Liddle who must never again be invited to appear on BBC programmes. 

Examples of impartiality 

Participants will be asked to complete a questionnaire to assess their suitability for broadcasting roles with the BBC 

Sample questions ***: 

At the sight of the Union Flag, do you: 

a. Sneer  

b. Roll your eyes  

c. Curl your lips 

d. Faint 

You are the presenter of Question Time. An audience member expresses doubts about the Climate Emergency. Do you: 

a. Ignore them 

b. Insult them 

c. Patronise them 

d. Call security  

During a radio phone-in, a member of the public criticises the EU. Do you call them:  

a. A Little Englander 

b. A fascist 

c. A racist 

d. All the aforementioned  

A news item accidentally shows scenes of destruction caused by BLM / Antifa protesters. Do you say:  

a. ‘It was mostly peaceful.’ 

b. ‘It was clearly instigated by Right-wing provocateurs.’ 

c. ‘Did you notice the little kitten in the clip?’ 

d. ‘The police knelt as a sign of respect.’ 

Uncontrolled immigration results in:  

1. Peace and harmony 2. Cultural enrichment   3. Better weather  4. Less pressure on the NHS 

The BBC’s decision to unreservedly support the Government’s lockdown policy is:  
1. Correct 2. Totally correct  3. Absolutely correct  4. 1,000 per cent correct 

People who reside outside the M25 are:  

a. Troglodytes   

b. Untermenschen   

c. The unwashed who use their baths for coal  

d. Scottish  

*** In accordance with our inclusivity and diversity agenda, there will be no wrong answers 

Participants will be shown clips from various recent BBC news programmes featuring Huw Edwards, Andrew Marr, Emily Maitlis, Naga Munchetty and Charlie Stayt that reveal their expertise when confronted by Right-wing bigots and xenophobes. 

Actions Required 

On completing the course, trainees will be required to: 

1. Delete all archive material showing offensive material, i.e. most of that shown before 1990. 

2. Study the output ofDeutscherFernsehfunk (GDR TV) between 1952 and 1991, and submit programming ideas to our director-general, Tim Davie. 

3. Inform management of any member of staff you consider to be insufficiently woke. 

Course Notes 

1. Trainees who, in the eyes of the tutor, do not show the necessary commitment to the corporation’s exacting impartiality norms will be subject to psychometric tests, Rorschach tests and electric shock therapy. 

2. Course members are entitled to claim the BBC Stress Allowance (Level 3). 

3. Vegan sausage rolls and organic oatmeal biscuits will be served at break. 

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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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