CHANGES to the Highway Code are being planned which will put pedestrians and cyclists at the top of a new ‘road user hierarchy’, the Department for Transport has announced.
The package of measures, aimed at encouraging walking and riding while discouraging driving, is due to go before Parliament for approval in the autumn.
TCW Defending Freedom has obtained a draft of the proposals, and we can reveal that they are sure to be seen as a further escalation of the Government’s relentless war on motorists . . .
1. From 2022, cars must have a flashing red light on the roof, a warning klaxon continuously blaring, and a recorded voice shouting: ‘Beware! Planet-killing polluter approaching!’
2. Drivers straying into cycle lanes will be arrested and their cars crushed. They will be sent to re-education centres and put to work turning old face masks into padded jockstraps for male cyclists.
3. Cars will be randomly stopped for ‘safety’ checks in which they will be dismantled into around 30,000 separate parts. The driver will be left to reassemble the car while paying £100 an hour parking charges.
4. Flashing Belisha beacons at pedestrian crossings will be replaced by ‘Boris beacons’ – laser beams which temporarily blind car drivers so they slow down.
5. Crossing wardens will carry lollipop signs saying: Stop, You Lazy Bastard! and will be armed with sub-machine guns to shoot out car tyres or kill rogue drivers.
6. Pedestrian relief stations called Rest My Sole ™ will be built every mile along pavements. These will offer free corn plasters and bunion pads as well as advice on how to sue the council if you trip over a paving stone.
7. Similar relief stations called Breezy Rider ™ will be built every five miles along cycle lanes. On offer will be free puncture repair, advice on red light-jumping techniques, and bum massages for saddle-sore riders.
8. Lycra leggings and shoelaces will become VAT exempt.
9. The Highway Code changes will be publicised with the slogan ‘I’m a Street Walker’ for pedestrians and ‘I’m in the Chain Gang’ for cyclists. Infants in school will be taught the chant ‘Two Wheels Good, Four Wheels Bad’.