Friday, May 27, 2022
HomeNewsRich enough to own an electric car? Have some free electricity!

Rich enough to own an electric car? Have some free electricity!

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IT IS reported that 21 councils have found a solution to the soaring cost of energy: a source of free electricity which they are providing to wealthy owners of electric vehicles. 

One of the councils that has made this startling discovery is Lancaster District Council. Their website proudly proclaims ‘The council is providing free electricity’ for electric vehicle owners. ‘

A spokesperson for the well-represented Green Party on the council was unapologetic about how they prioritised the distribution of the ‘free electricity’. When asked why they favoured the provision of free fuel to the owners of already subsidised Teslas and Mercedes-EQs, rather than giving it to residents of sub-standard housing who were unable to heat their homes, she replied in a rather abrupt manner: ‘Don’t you know there’s a Climate Emergency! For goodness sake, it’s on the BBC every night! How do you expect the City Council to do its bit to control the weather if rich people drive around in their big cars belching out emissions that are literally killing baby polar bears. It is beastly of you to even ask that question!’

After taking a few moments to compose herself, she put down her cat, dabbed her eyes, and continued, ‘We already do a tremendous amount for the poor people. It is horrid of you to imply that we don’t care about them. We send them leaflets which tell them where they can buy cheap overcoats and jumpers. We encourage them to go to the library to keep warm, and we suggest that they buy a second hand bicycle so they can ride up and down our cycle paths. We even send them our ten favourite vegan quinoa recipes. We simply can’t do everything. There is only so much free electricity to go round. One day we hope to give everyone in the District an electric vehicle, or at least an electric scooter.’

When asked about the source of the free electricity, a representative of the City Council’s secretive Special Initiatives Department, based in a bunker in the Forest of Bowland, declined to give too much away. ‘Let me just say that we are working closely with Lancaster University, members of the Morecambe Witchcraft Society and local alchemists, but other than that my lips are sealed. However, I am allowed to tell you that we are about to make a major announcement about our work on the philosopher’s stone. Watch this space.’

Some have suggested that the electricity being given to electric car owners is not exactly ‘free’ but is courtesy of the council tax payer. If this is the case, it is clearly seen as a ‘vital service’. In a report about the decision to increase council tax in 2021, the Lancaster Guardian wrote that Anne Whitehead, the cabinet member with responsibility for finance, said: ‘We are acutely aware of the additional burden that this rise will place on some households and we do not want to have to ask households to pay more. But as with all public services, the City Council is under pressure financially and needs to protect the vital services it provides.’ 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France. John is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood.

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