SIR Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton is the raffish long-serving Member of Parliament who has recently stepped down as Assistant Parliamentary Private Secretary to the Prime Minister.
In his role he was able to witness the intense discussions that have taken place during the past year of lockdown. TCW has gained an exclusive look at extracts from his diary and his revealing comments about the individuals shaping the Government’s response during the crisis:
April 2020: Matt Hancock was the guest at the breakfast meeting. I always distrust people with so much enthusiasm. He would be better employed as a games teacher at a minor public school.
He jabbered on for several minutes about how wonderful he was and how he had access to some cut-price PPE. Bojo told him to get on with whatever it was, just to get rid of him.
September 2020: Bojo got a call to go upstairs to see Carrie. I gather that the pretext was the need to change Wilfred’s nappy. When he returned he had his now familiar hangdog expression and began muttering something to Gove about the need to do more about the climate.
October 2020: A dodgy cove called Ferguson was let in through the back door for a meeting with Hancock and the PM. During the meeting he explained that unless more restrictions were imposed, almost no one would survive the virus. This pleased Hancock greatly and he immediately telephoned his friend Klaus in Switzerland to impart the good news.
November 2020: At our breakfast meeting, Bojo looked particularly harangued. Whilst he played with his muesli, Professor Whitty took us through his latest slideshow. No one was any the wiser at the end of it, and I could sense that the PM was longing for a bacon bap.
December 2020: Bojo was in high spirits as the vaccine rollout was starting well. So much so that he sent me to Greggs on a secret mission to get him a Steak Bake.
Apparently, after the vaccine you can still infect others and still contract the virus and you will need regular injections to stave off mutations, but I’m sure there must be a good reason to have it.
January 2021: I had to interrupt a conversation between the PM and Whitty to tell him the French were being beastly about our scallops.
As I tried to explain the gravity of the situation to our glazed-eyed leader, Whitty kept interjecting with comments about the ‘R Factor’ of lorry drivers – whatever that means. Whitty has the complexion of an underdone pancake and the voice of a Dalek.
February 2021: Another tiresome meeting with a group from the Sage cult. One of their leaders suggested that when schools reopen, secondary school pupils should wear masks during lessons. Bojo reacted with a hint of his old jocularity when he remarked that ‘perhaps they should be chained to their desks as well’.
However, he quickly regretted his mirth as they seemed to think that was a great idea. My theory is that the cultists were all abused at public school and want to inflict the same humiliation on every pupil.