Thursday, May 23, 2024
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Satanic LibDems swing to the rite


FOLLOWING the news that David Campanale, the Liberal Democrat Prospective Parliamentary Candidate for the Sutton and Cheam constituency, has been deselected because of his activities as a committed Christian, TCW asked the Liberal Democrat party to elaborate on their stance on candidate selection. 

We spoke to their spokesperson Lucy Ferr (They/Them). Lucy has recently been adopted as the LibDem candidate for a winnable seat in North Norfolk. This is her response to our questions . . .

Does David Campanale’s deselection suggest that other candidates who profess to be Christian will no longer be welcome in the party?

Absolutely! As LibDems we pride ourselves on our inclusivity but we must draw the line somewhere. Any organisation or sect that believes in the teachings of Jesus Christ cannot be in tune with the values of our party. 

Who else will be affected by your decision?

As I said, individuals who acknowledge the existence of a Far Right bigot like Jesus will be persona non grata. Our ban will extend to Muslims, Jews, Amish, Gnostics and any other crackpot organisation. 

What about pagans?

Our Executive Committee is of the opinion that paganism is an ill-defined pejorative word used to describe polytheists. Accordingly each pagan will be asked to clarify their views and be subjected to an in-depth cross-examination by our Committee of Enlightenment. 

Will any religious movement be tolerated by the Liberal Democrats?

At our recent Spring Conference in York we agreed that the party was at the crossroads and we should adopt Satanism as our official religion.

Does that mean that every party member should sell their soul to the Devil?

At York this question was hotly debated. By a narrow margin Conference decided that, for now, only Members of Parliament and prospective Parliamentary candidates should be required to do so. 

It is possible that the party may hold the balance of power after the next election. If so, what terms will it seek to arrange with another party?

We are very keen on education. Ed Davey would make an excellent minister and were he to attain such a position in government he would certainly insist on Satanism becoming part of the curriculum for both primary and secondary education.

After answering that question, Lucy said apologetically that they had to depart as their local branch was sacrificing a ram before the start of its weekly meeting.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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