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Monday, April 15, 2024
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HomeCulture WarSend for the crash trolley … Tory coming through

Send for the crash trolley … Tory coming through

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A FORMER nurse has triggered controversy by saying patients who voted Conservative don’t deserve to be resuscitated by the NHS. 

The comment by Miranda Hughes during a Channel 5 live TV debate was widely condemned. She later backtracked and lost her job at a private health care provider.   

However, the way things are with our wonderful health service these days, you never know what might happen. Let’s cross over to A & E, where a patient has just been brought in on a stretcher and is being examined …  

‘Now then, what seems to be the trouble?’  

– ‘I’ve got these pains in my chest, doctor.’  

‘Any heart problems in your family?’  

– ‘Not that I know of.’  

‘Right, I’ve got your file here. I’ll just check your political history.’  

– ‘Don’t you mean my medical history?’  

‘No, your political history now determines what treatment we give – or whether we give you any treatment at all. Hmm. I see from your records that your parents suffered marxitis dementus as members of the Young Communist League.’  

– ‘Yes, but that was in the 1930s. There was a lot of that going around back then.’  

‘Well, we’ll have to do some tests – extreme conditions like that can be congenital. Let’s see now. Ah, yes, after the war your parents recovered from their red fever and joined the Labour Party. But the inherited Far Leftist contagion seems to have flared up again in you as you grew up. In 1968, you had a bad case of the Trots and joined the Socialist Workers Party.’  

– ‘But I was only 16 – it was what you might call a childhood illness. Most kids of that age catch that sort of thing, but later develop immunity.’  

‘I think that’s a matter for us to decide. Now, we have you recovering from the Trots and voting Labour from 1970 to 1983, when you caught a brief but nasty dose of libdem ludicrus infectus. Your condition seems to have settled down in subsequent years. But then …  

– ‘Yes, what is it, doctor? Why are you shaking your head?’  

‘In 2019 you came down with a serious case of corbynitis rejectus. In fact, your file shows that you voted Conservative.’  

  ‘Er, well, yes. It was just that I didn’t want corbynitis to infect the whole country. Look, am I going to get any treatment?  

‘Have you still got the chest pains?’  

– ‘Yes. In fact, they’re getting worse.’  

‘Right, I’ve examined you and there’s nothing wrong with your heart.’  

– ‘Then what is it?’  

‘You’re suffering from trussic acid reflux. It means you find the idea of our new Prime Minister hard to swallow. There’s a lot of it going round right now. Combined with another condition, acute kwasi intolerance, it’s affecting whole swathes of the Tory Party and the country.’  

– ‘Is there any treatment?’  

‘Sorry. I’m afraid it could be terminal.’  

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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