Sunday, April 14, 2024
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Situations vacant (unjabbed need not apply)


IN his recent party conference speech, the Prime Minister promised a future of ‘highly paid, high skilled’ jobs. TCW Defending Freedom has seen some of the public-sector opportunities to which he was referring.


Job Title: Dance Coordinators

Location: Various

Salary: 50k plus tutus

Role: The alarming reduction in the number of TikTok dances by NHS staff is a serious cause for concern. The successful candidates will be required to coordinate and publish innovative dance routines involving NHS personnel.

Job Title: Change Consultants

Location: Nationwide 

Salary: 150k plus expenses

Role: To work with teams of change consultants to review previous reports about change and write new change reports for the Secretary of State with options for change that will ensure that ‘Our NHS’ remains the most cost-effective, well-organised and efficient health care organisation in the world.

Local Government 

Job Title: Flu Marshals 

Location: Nationwide 

Salary: 45k plus hi-viz jacket, boots, armbands, Glock 17.9mm and a peaked cap.

Role: To liaise with Covid Marshals, Nasty Cough Marshals, Runny Nose Marshals and the UK Health Security Agency, to ensure that the public comply with national guidelines regarding NHS Passes, loitering on benches, illegal association and mask violations.

Job Title: Heat Inspectors

Location: Nationwide 

Salary: 50k  plus baton

Role: To enter homesteads to ensure that temperatures are no higher than the Climate Emergency allowance of 15 Degrees Celsius. Inspectors will have the power to destroy any appliance that allows this temperature to be exceeded.

Church of England

Job Title: Church Reimagining and Accounting Professionals

Location: Nationwide 

Salary: 70k  plus Tesla

Role: The outdated concept of the parish church as a place of worship requires this enterprise to employ talented individuals to leverage the value of its estate. Candidates with expertise of Hedge Funds and Derivatives are likely to find this a stimulating challenge.

Ministry of Defence

Job Title: Personal Pronoun Coordinators

Location: Worldwide

Salary: Competitive circa 80k

Role: A modern fighting force can no longer operate effectively when individuals are referred to using an inappropriate and offensive personal pronoun. PPCs will hold in-depth interviews with all personnel to ensure that they are addressed in a manner that accords with their self-identity.


Job Title: Compliance Officers

Location: Cheltenham

Salary: 70k plus cloak

Role: GCHQ plays a vital role in gathering information about threats to the security of the United Kingdom from external and internal malefactors. A growing concern is the number of people who are attempting to thwart the government’s implementation of World Economic Forum mandates. Compliance Officers will work with Facebook, Amazon and Google to identify and monitor the activities of those who are unvaccinated.

Please Note: All the above organisations are equal opportunities employers who give preference to under-represented ethnic groups and those from the 2SLLBOGTSQIDQIA+++ community.

All applicants must prove that they are fully vaccinated and are prepared to be subjected to daily Covid testing (twice daily in Scotland and Wales).

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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