Monday, July 15, 2024
HomeCOVID-19Skint? No, you’re Asymptomatically Wealthy

Skint? No, you’re Asymptomatically Wealthy


MOST people take it on trust that every cloud has a silver lining, but those who are hardest hit by the lockdowns – small ‘inessential’ business people, the young, the elderly locked in care homes or otherwise isolated, those dying of unfashionable illnesses and many more – might find that glint of hope hard to find. For a lot of human beings these lockdowns have been a pretty dreary, drawn-out, destructive business, so one young man was pleased to recognise belatedly that something very positive had come out of it all.

This was nothing less than a new way of visualising the future of his world!

Enlightenment began to dawn one rainy day in Derbyshire when he thought he would drop into his local for a healing beverage. As he explored his pockets and found them empty, he remembered it didn’t matter because the pubs weren’t open anyway.

That is when he recognised that he was not broke. He was enjoying Asymptomatic Wealth and all around him the pubs were overflowing with Asymptomatic Beer.

When our government’s scriptwriters hit on the splendid idea of ‘asymptomatic infection’, they did not realise its full potential. The young man, whom we will call Arthur to protect his identity, also did not understand immediately just how world-overturning this realisation was. At first he was interested only in searching his mind for a solution to his lack of funds. What he discovered in his mind was a goldmine of Asymptomatic Practical Solutions. Which is to say, he remained broke.

As people so often do when their pockets are empty, he compensated by resorting to philosophy.

He delved still deeper in his mind for plans to make this locked-down world a happier place. For instance, how might our government solve the looming problems of mass unemployment, the destruction of high streets and the burgeoning deaths from cancer, heart diseases, Covid vaccines, suicide and so forth without actually having to admit that they got it all wrong from the start? Nobody could reasonably expect Mr Johnson or Mr Hancock to concede that if they had chosen the no-lockdown route that South Dakota, Florida and Sweden among others successfully took, we would not be in this mess.

The result of all Arthur’s feverish brain-racking was that he came up with a profusion of Asymptomatic Bright Ideas.

He realised that his revolutionary discoveries were leading him into a Philosophy of the New Normal. He even felt that he would be comfortable with peddling it at a discount to the World Economic Forum. At least it might help governments and media perfect a new way of bamboozling the public. 

Here are just a few ideas he came up with. They are perfectly safe, having tested negative for any symptoms of intelligence.

Examples of Asymptomatic Wisdom:

1. Using Neil Ferguson to project pandemic probabilities after he has been proved wildly wrong time after time.

2. Assembling a Sage committee that hates every form of individual enterprise to kickstart economic recovery.

3. Resurrecting Tony Blair.

Asymptomatic Common Sense:

Evidenced by foisting experimental Covid vaccines on those who ought least to be vaccinated including pregnant women and children. Also by creating such mantras as ‘hands, space, masks’, ‘flatten the curve’ and ‘Stop the Spread’ of a virus which has already spread and spread and spread.

Uses of Asymptomatic Logic:

1. Avoid fresh air to maintain health.

2. Wear masks to breathe freely.

3. Make granny happy by avoiding all contact with her.

Asymptomatic Courage:

Displayed by our media’s fearless propagation of lucrative government platitudes.

Asymptomatic Virtue:

Practising all the above without a murmur of protest.

Asymptomatic Villainy:

Convictions for incomprehensible hate crimes.

Asymptomatic climate catastrophe:

Needs no explanation.

Arthur realised that the possibilities were endless.

Universities might establish chairs in Asymptomatic Education as they raked in cash from burgeoning fees to grant firsts to every student. Law courts might practise the Retributive Justice of Asymptomatic Come-Uppance as they released murderers, paedophiles, extortionists, parking violators etc. from prison to make room for Asymptomatic Hate Criminals and those who lack Covid passports. Churches might preach the Gospel of Asymptomatic Redemption by omitting to mention God.

And in some better future, the newly impoverished, by this time known as the Asymptomatically Privileged, might develop some symptoms of putting money back in their pockets and hope in their souls. But Arthur advises us not hold our breath. Even if we held it for ever we would likely not Stop the Spread of Asymptomatic Sanity.

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Paul Stilwell
Paul Stilwell
Paul Stilwell taught literature and language on four continents. He's now frittering away his retirement in writing novels (crime, satire, Christian allegory, dark humour), one or two of which, e.g. Renegotiable Destiny and The Deserving are available on Amazon. Alarmingly, more are likely to appear if he gets hold of one of those computer thingies.

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