Thursday, February 25, 2021
Home COVID-19 Some expert advice for codgers in the cold snap: Keep warm

Some expert advice for codgers in the cold snap: Keep warm

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Public Health England has this week published tips to help the elderly and vulnerable to stay safe during this period of exceptionally cold weather. The Conservative Woman feels it has a duty to alert its readers to this sound advice . . .

PUBLIC Health England has been at the forefront of the fight against Covid-19, and it is to the credit of our 5,500 dedicated staff that the spread in the UK was so effectively prevented last spring. However, we continue to be acutely aware of other challenges to the health of the nation. 

Because of global warming, the UK is experiencing a very cold February. Following in-depth discussions and multiple Zoom meetings with experts in their field, Public Health England is giving important health reminders to people over the age of 60 and other vulnerable groups. 

  1. Stay in bed for as long as possible. 

     
  2. If you have to get up, wear clothes, a hat and some sort of footwear. Most importantly DO NOT REMOVE YOUR MASK!  

     
  3. NetZero50 – reducing UK greenhouse gas emissions to zero by 2050 – requires ever more subsidies for ‘renewable energy’, and higher and higher fuel prices. The increasing number who cannot afford central heating are recommended not to set fire to their furniture, as toxic fumes may result. If you do not survive the cold snap, your sacrifice on our shared journey to a carbon-free future will be appreciated. 

     
  4. Remember to keep a window open at all times in line with Covid-19 government advice, in order that sinister green particles can escape. 

     
  5. Do not put an electric heater in the bath to warm the water. 

     
  6. Do not cuddle your partner to stay warm, as you must treat everyone as though they have Covid. 

     
  7. If you leave your house, you may well fall and injure yourself. If you then need treatment, you will have failed in your duty to protect the NHS, and you will forever be regarded as a social pariah and enemy of the state. 

     
  8. To entertain yourself, walk around your room several times each day, or why not read other PHE publications (see below). 

     
  9. If your supermarket delivery is stuck in a snowdrift, do not eat soil, cat food or stale dog biscuits. On no account take Vitamin D, or Vitamin C with zinc tablets unless instructed to do so by the Government (aka SAGE). 

     
  10. Do not drink alcohol, as this may give you a brief sense of joy which will quickly evaporate to leave you with an even greater awareness of the depth of your depression. 

     

    Other PHE publications for the over-60s, available from our ‘How to…’ series include: 

     

    How to get rid of dust. 

    How to put on socks safely.  

    How to avoid eating your goldfish.  

    How to avoid scrum and line-out injuries.  

    How to make toast. 

    How to eat pangolins safely. 

    How to deal with a pandemic (out of print). 
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John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is the co-author of Steam Dreams and other interesting stories. He has generously donated his vaccine to the people of France.

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