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Sprinkling stardust with Our Jacinda


Lance Sauvignon-Blanc is the Wellington Herald and Tribune’s Chief Reporter on Politics, Culture and Sheep Dipping. As well as being an ace journalist, Lance is an established author best known for his novel Summer of Tears and Laughter, and being the creator of New Zealand’s most famous woman sleuth Mrs Amelia Whakapapa. Lance accompanied our Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, on her recent trip to the USA and this is his report . . .

RARELY, if ever, has New York witnessed such grace, such elegance, such wisdom. Yes, Marilyn had her sexual allure, Princess Di had her fey charm and Maggie Thatcher her iron will, but nothing can beat the combination of looks, political savvy and all-round genius of Our Jacinda.

This Madonna made flesh, this South Sea pearl, this priestess of perfection bestowed her presence upon the United States to promote tourism and trade and bring about world peace.

The stars were in alignment from the very beginning of her tour. As her motorcade departed the airport she espied a young ragamuffin who was unable to walk because of a crippling childhood disease. The boy was on his knees scrabbling in the dirt for discarded scraps of KFC. Overwhelmed by compassion, Jacinda immediately brought the fleet of cars to a screeching halt. She approached the child and touched him on the shoulder. Immediately the little wretch sprang to his feet and for the first time in his life began to totter on his rickety legs. That’s the way she is. That’s Our Jacinda.

The following day began with a symposium with movers and shakers in the travel industry. To the delight of those present, our leader spent several minutes extolling the attractions of our beautiful country, including the Auckland Museum of Sheep Shearing and the Wellington What’s-That-Thing?  A great saleswoman is Our Jacinda.

The next event that allowed her magical aura to shine forth was a carbon-neutral meeting with the food industry. Because of her affinity with the animal kingdom, our great leader was able to extol the unique virtue of our produce and explain how transporting legs of our delicious lamb 9,000 miles was actually beneficial for the environment. A climate warrior is Our Jacinda.

To ensure the stability of the world economy, the next visit was to the highly ethical and morally virtuous investment giant BlackRock. Here the financial gurus were given a lecture in economics by the PM which culminated in effusive and tearful applause from even the most hardened banker. A great economist is Our Jacinda.

In the evening she appeared on the Stephen Colbert Show. It was clear to all that the besotted Mr Colbert was in awe of the world’s greatest prime minister. The audience were in raptures as she explained to them that New Zealand was not in Europe but consisted of two medium-sized islands a long, long way away, and was not even part of Australia. A great educator is Our Jacinda.

No statesperson’s trip to the USA would be complete without a visit to the famous White House, home of the geriatric President Joseph Biden. Being the wonderful woman she is, Ms Ardern felt she should pop by and sprinkle a little of her stardust on to the furrowed brow of the unpopular and demented old man. They talked of ice cream and stairlifts. A generous and compassionate diplomat is Our Jacinda.

After receiving an honorary doctorate from Harvard University, and meeting various functionaries of little or no importance, the Prime Minister returned to her beautiful domain to help guide us unworthy creatures once more towards the glorious uplands of harmony and tranquillity that one day we may be privileged to inhabit. An amazing human being is Our Jacinda.

New Zealand Tourist Board – Entry Conditions:

All tourists must have had a minimum of five Covid-19 vaccinations. Entry to New Zealand can be made only through the Jacinda Ardern International Airport in Wellington.

On arrival tourists must be prepared to be fully immersed in a tank of disinfectant. Double N95 masks are to be worn at all times, as are goggles and full PPE.

Any tourists who flout these regulations will be treated as violent extremists and detained at their expense for two weeks at the Waipahu Re-education and Rehabilitation Centre. They will then be deported.

Enjoy your stay! (No matter how brief it may be).

New Zealand is twinned with North Korea.

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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