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Tuesday, April 16, 2024
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HomeNews‘Spy’ balloon’s flights of fancy

‘Spy’ balloon’s flights of fancy

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A US Air Force F-22 Raptor has shot down what the White House described as a Chinese ‘spy balloon’ which had been floating across America for a week or more. There is much speculation about the contents and purpose of the balloon. TCW Defending Freedom has discovered that not everyone believes it to be involved in espionage and has collated other explanations for its mysterious appearance . . .

The Message

The balloon is believed to be carrying the following message: ‘My name is Liu Zheng. I am prisoner in Camp 3528 in province of Xinjiang. Please help me escape. If not possible please be pen pal. If not possible please send crispy duck with noodles. I am kept in cell 462Y. Have nice day.’

The Refugee

The generosity of the UK government to illegal immigrants is a magnet for people of every nation. The balloon was actually carrying a small Chinese man named Yang Zin, who worked for Foxconn making iPhone components. Yang calculated that the balloon would reach Aberystwyth in three weeks and he intended to have settled down in a nice hotel by Easter. It is hoped that he was wearing a life jacket.

Crack for Hunter

Because of the bad publicity surrounding the President’s son, no self-respecting drug dealer in the States wants to be associated with the man. Hunter Biden has been forced to look elsewhere for his dope and has had to rely on business associates in China to send over his supply at regular intervals. This explains why his father was reluctant to order the destruction of the intruder.

The New Virus

Following the disappointment that was Covid-19, the perpetrators have been anxious to release a far more deadly version. The balloon contained vials of Covid-23. This was developed in Wuhan through Directed Evolution using monkeys. The consortium of evil involved in the development includes Jeffrey Epstein’s friend Bill Gates; the pharmaceutical companies, Moderna and Pfizer; and the Fauci-funded EcoHealth Alliance. 

The ill-advised birthday party theme

A junior member of the Chinese Politburo unwisely held a Winnie-the-Pooh-themed birthday party for his son. A guest pointed out that President Xi had, to his displeasure, been likened to the famous bear. On realising the jeopardy in which he had placed himself, the father immediately let loose all the party balloons, hid all the honey and ordered the children to remove their face paints. This balloon carried an imprint of Tigger. Others portraying Winnie, Eeyore, Kanga and Wizzle are expected to arrive in the next few days.

A Fu-Go Joke

Between November 1944 and April 1945, in a campaign called Fu-Go, the Japanese launched thousands of incendiary balloons designed to float over the western parts of the USA and Canada and cause fires on landing. This harmless version was launched by ageing pranksters living in the Japanese Imperial Army Retirement Home in Nagasaki, as a joke to scare octogenarians living in Washington, Oregon and British Columbia.

The Advertisement 

The balloon had broken away from the railings of a restaurant’s car park in Hong Kong. On the side, written in large letters, was: ‘Mister Chow’s Szechuan Dumplings are Top Notch.’

A Distraction

Now that the American public are becoming bored with the Covid scam, the White House is worried that the public will finally take an interest in the state of the President’s health, the state of Kamala Harris, Hunter Biden’s laptop, their proxy war in Ukraine, bio-labs, the bankrupt US economy, the corruption of their health regulators etc. etc. In an attempt to terrorise the public the media have been instructed to report that the balloon was a serious threat to the continued existence of the Big Mac Double Cheesy Whopper.

Not a balloon at all

Although it looked like a balloon, floated like a balloon and was believed to contain helium, the balloon identified as a satellite. An inscription on the side of the craft read: ‘While I was made as a balloon and have the characteristics of a balloon, I have decided to self-identify as Satellite X-P2. My personal pronouns are Blip/Bleep. Please respect my decision.’

  

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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