A MILITANT vegan group has announced that it will attempt to close Smithfield meat market in London for two weeks by forming a ‘human wall of eco-warriors’ around it from October 7. 

Activists want to see a ‘transition to a plant-based food system in order to avert climate breakdown, mass extinction and ensure justice for farmed animals’.

This follows a demand from the pressure group Peta for everyone to stop wearing wool because farming is cruel to sheep. 

Not to mention a report from a New York university’s Women’s and Gender Studies programme which likens milking cows to sex abuse by the patriarchy. 

It remains to be seen whether the Old Bill will take action to protect the livelihood of the Smithfield butchers trying to go about their lawful business. More likely we will see an echo of the Extinction Rebellion debacle, with transgender officers in rainbow uniforms skateboarding among the crowds, handing out falafels and chickpea fritters.

Amid the growing demonisation of non-vegans you might be feeling a little uneasy reading this while wearing your favourite cardigan, enjoying a white coffee and nibbling on a bacon bap. But have no fear, the backlash has begun.

TCW has learned of a new guerrilla group, the Carnivore Liberation Front – slogan: ‘What do we want? Roast beef! How do we want it? Rare!’ At his secret HQ at an abattoir somewhere in the Home Counties, beneath a coat of arms showing a prime sirloin with sausages rampant, its leader told me in an exclusive interview how it plans to turn the tide against the vegan hordes.

‘Make no mistake, we mean business,’ declared Mr X (not his real name), waving a lamb chop for emphasis. ‘No lentil will be safe until we restore meat to its proper place on every dinner table. Kale will be a four-letter word.’

The CLF plans lightning strikes against the bastions of veggiedom starting with greengrocers at markets in Notting Hill, Hampstead and Islington. Purveyors of pulses and grains will be pelted with lamb’s liver and have tripe pushed down their trousers, while leather goods sellers are given complimentary ham sarnies.

The walls of Whole Foods in Kensington will be sprayed with slogans including ‘Quinoa is Qrap,’ ‘Bugger Bulgur’ and ‘Soya Sucks’.

Anyone seen in public eating a tomato sandwich will be tied to a tree and force fed with foie gras.

‘The vegans have had it their own way for far too long,’ added Mr X, somewhat indistinctly because his mouth was full of pork scratchings. ‘Why is it these holier-than-thou Lefties are allowed to dictate what other people eat? I demand the human right to a turkey dinner with pigs in blankets.’

At this point the interview was interrupted by the police. ‘Excuse me, sir, but I have reason to believe you are guilty of hate crimes against the salad community,’ said a burly, bearded officer with ‘Chrissie’ on his or her name badge. ‘Put down that barbecued spare rib and come along with me.’

Mr X was last seen being thrown into a van having had his pockets emptied and three packets of beef jerky confiscated. His eyes closed on mine and he solemnly vowed: ‘We’ll meat again.’

For further information on the CLF, and a copy of its leaflet Fifty Ways With Sweetbreads, visit www.liverandbacon.co.uk

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Alan Ashworth
Alan Ashworth is a former national newspaper journalist now retreated to the Ribble Valley, where he grows cacti and tramps the fells with the family dog Bingo. He and his wife Margaret run a website, A-M Records , which includes their collected TCW columns plus extra features including Tracks of the Day. Requests, queries and comments can be sent to alanj126@yahoo.co.uk