Monday, July 15, 2024
HomeCulture WarSunaks, Rayners and Davey Fish: The Attenborough guide to Life in Westminster

Sunaks, Rayners and Davey Fish: The Attenborough guide to Life in Westminster


This is a monologue by that master of overstatement, Sir David Attenbore, from his latest film about global boiling.

I AM David Attenbore, and I am 93¾.  I have had the most extraordinary life.  All paid for by you.

The living world is a unique and spectacular marvel. Yet human beings have overrun the world. This film is the story of how we came to make this, our greatest mistake. I’ve never seen a problem that wouldn’t be easier to solve with fewer other people. Our planet is headed for disaster, and I am here to tell you how global boiling will make it worse. And how we can yet put it right.

All across our land crucial connections are being disrupted by climate change. Thousands of the Establishment birds kneel in a strange ritual thought to be part of their survival strategies. Their plaintive cries of ‘BLM, BLM!’ are interspersed with other calls, ‘Net Zero, Net Zero!’ as they fly around inside lofty old buildings such as the Palace of Westminster. Occasionally they land and can be heard to imitate human speech by saying ‘your call is important to us’.

The drab brown Sunak bird flaps its wings and settles briefly in the Redwood tree. It is part of its disguise to avoid predators. Now this connection is being lost too as the Redwood tree can no longer flourish in the face of climate change. All around us evidence of global boiling abounds as the flora wilt in the inescapable heat. Of course there are Deniers who claim unconvincingly that our planet is greening, but they will be silenced by our friends at Ofcom, or the BBC, as it is usually known.

Our oceans teem with multi-coloured fish. But for how much longer? The relentless rise in atmospheric carbon dioxide – produced by that scourge of the planet, humans – will turn our oceans into boiling acid baths. This sorry tale of habitat collapse enables even inept predators such as the Big Head Davey fish briefly to survive. Floundering in the shallows a large Davey frightens small fry such as Voters. The shoals of Voters flee, decreasing biodiversity. Will the Davey be yet another victim of the climate catastrophe?

There are about 6,000 species of mammals on Earth and, as our world succumbs to global boiling, extinction looms unless they change their behaviours. Whilst there are some sad sights, there also success stories. The large florid rodents of the Rayner subspecies have found a new way to survive by building multiple nests so that their natural hunters – Tory Bigwigs – do not know where they, or their young, are living. Through property sharing, these amazing mammals ensure their place on the evolutionary battlefield.

About every five years a strange talking animal appears in the fauna of England. It is called a ‘Tory’. It emerges from its chrysalis and begins to talk about ‘Conservative’ and even ‘conservative’ values. It is a superficially attractive but short-lived beast. After a brief flurry in the limelight when its life cycle culminates in a general election, the typical Tory goes into hibernation again. It is often replaced in the food chain by Giant Green Globalists, sometimes misnamed as Bories, which disguise their predatory nature by adopting the outward appearance of a ‘Tory’.

Only now do I realise how lucky I have been. Many of these wonders seem set to disappear for ever. It is all happening much faster than we expected. Hundreds of Tories are likely to become extinct. Unless immediate action is taken this crisis will have grave impacts for us all. If we carry on like this we will see more species vanish. My logic is irrefutable. If we do not act now, future generations will look at us in horror – how did we cause the extinction of the Tories and so many more animals? 

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Nick Martinek
Nick Martinek
Nick Martinek is retired from a career in machinery design and development, (sometimes) enjoying the company of his children and grandchildren.

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