From Pfizer, Moderna et al to the people of the world:
Without your self-sacrifice and participation in the greatest ever experimental vaccination programme we would not have been able to make such massive profits.
From the Green lobby to the poor and elderly:
We are heartened that so many of you will be sacrificing your lives this coming winter to allow us to bask in the warm glow of virtue.
From the WEF to the farming community:
The decisions of our international representatives to appropriate your land is regrettable but we thank you for your understanding and wish you well in your new jobs as warehouse operatives or whatever.
From Nato to the people of Ukraine:
Your continued sacrifice is not only bringing glory to Ukraine but is allowing us to confront our enemies who want a negotiated settlement.
From President Putin to the Russian people:
Thank you for sending me your latest cabbage recipes. This will be your staple diet for the immediate future.
From Joe Biden to his fellow Armenians:
(Start of message) This transition will cause you to become poorer and our nation weaker. This is great news for the United States of Armageddon (End of message).
From the Chinese Communist Party to the Chinese people:
Our repeated lockdowns in Shanghai and elsewhere have been essential in our struggle to convince the rest of the world to destroy their economies. We thank you for your patience.
From the BBC, national newspapers, Twitter, Facebook etc to their customers:
We are grateful for your loyal support. Without your subscriptions we could not pay our propagandists their eye-watering salaries.
From Bill Gates to Imperial College:
Many thanks for your excellent statistics. You can count on my continued support.
From the NHS to the British public:
Despite our lamentable performance we applaud the Great British Public for their continued adulation.
From the UniParty ( LibLabConGreenSNP ) to voters:
Thank you for continuing to vote for us whilst we destroy your culture, the economy and the integrity of the United Kingdom.
From EV drivers to the children of the Democratic Republic of Congo:
We love our electric cars. Without your hard work scraping in the mud in intolerable heat to extract lithium, we would still be driving petrol Ford Fiestas and destroying the environment.
From the Bilderberg Group, the Aspen Institute, the WHO, the WEF and the Trilateral Commission to everyone else:
Thanks to all for making us ever richer and consolidating our power to control you.