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HomeNewsThat Reminds Me – YGTDA: Your Guide To Doctors’ Abbreviations

That Reminds Me – YGTDA: Your Guide To Doctors’ Abbreviations

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THANKS to our wonderful NHS, we are all aware of abbreviations such as DNR, ICU and A&E. But what about the unofficial codes used to delineate those pesky patients? I scoured reference books and the Internet to come up with the following list of doctoral acronyms and phrases from both sides of the Atlantic – further suggestions welcome.

ABITHAD – Another Bloody Idiot Thinks He’s A Doctor

AFUBR – All F***ed Up Beyond Repair

AGA – Acute Gravity Attack (fell over)

AGMI – Ain’t Gonna Make It

APTFRAN – Apply Pillow To Face, Repeat As Necessary (for annoying patient)

ART – Assuming Room Temperature (recently deceased)

Ash Cash – Money paid for signing a cremation form

ATS – Acute Thespian Syndrome (the patient is faking illness)

AWTF – Away With The Fairies; a patient who is totally confused.

Baby Catcher – Obstetrician

Bordeaux – Bloodstained urine

Brotheliser – Test requested by sexually transmitted disease clinic

BUNDY – But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet

Bury the Hatchet – accidentally leave a surgical instrument inside a patient

CBT – Chronic Biscuit Toxicity (for fat patients)

CC – Cancel Christmas (patient dead)

Celestial Transfer – patient dead

CHAOS – Chronic Hurts All Over Syndrome

CLL – Complete Low Life

CNS-QNS – Central Nervous System – Quantity Not Sufficient

COSMONAUT – Cat Owner, Smells, Made Of Nuts And Used Tampons

CTD – Circling The Drain; may also mean Certain To Die

DAAD – Dead As A Doornail

Dagenham – three stops beyond Barking (severely disturbed patient based on East London station names)

DBI – Dirt Bag Index – multiply the number of tattoos by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed

DENTIST – Doesn’t Even Need Treatment – It’s Sorted, Truly
Departure Lounge – Geriatric ward

Digging for worms – Varicose vein surgery

DNKA – Patient who Did Not Keep Appointment

DUB – Damn Ugly Baby

EFT – Eleventh Floor Transfer (in a ten-floor hospital; refers to patient who is very close to death)

ERNOBW – Engine Running, No One Behind the Wheel (thick)

ETKTM – Every Test Known To Man

FABIANS – Felt Awful But I’m Alright Now Syndrome

Faecal Encephalopathy – Shit for Brains

FDSTW – Found Dead Stayed That Way

FF – Frequent Flyer – A patient who returns to a medical provider for everything

FFFF – Female, Fat, Forty and Flatulent

FLGD – Familial lack of Genetic Diversity

FLD – Funny Looking Dad

FLK – Funny Looking Kid

FOALS NEIGH – F**k Off And Let Someone Not Extremely Incompetent Get Here

FOS – Full Of Shit

Freud Squad – Psychiatrists

FTW – F***ing Train Wreck (patient with multiple problems)

Gassers and Slashers – Anaesthetists and general surgeons

GLL – Great Looking Legs

GLM – Good Looking Mum

GOK – God Only Knows

GPO – Good for Parts Only

GRAFOB – Grim Reaper At Foot Of Bed

GROLIES – Guardian Reader Of Low Intelligence in Ethnic Skirt

Handbag Positive – Confused elderly woman lying on the bed but still clutching her handbag

HIVI – Husband Is Village Idiot

HONDA – Hypertensive Obese Non-compliant Diabetic Adult.

IWB – Intercourse With Biscuits (F**king Crackers)

LFTWM – Looking for Three Wise Men (applied to young mothers-to-be who deny having had sex).

LGFD – Looks good from door

LOBNH – Lights On But Nobody Home

LOLINAD – Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress

LOLTWO – Little Old Lady Totally Whacked Out

MFC – Measure For Coffin

NFN – Normal For Norfolk

NFS – Normal For Swindon

NQRITH – Not Quite Right In the Head

OAP – Over-Anxious Parent

OPD – Obnoxious Personality Disorder.

PAAF – Pissed As A Fart

PBBB – Pine Box By Bedside

PDE – Pissed, Denies Everything

PFO – Pissed, Fell Over.

PGT – Pissed, Got Thumped

PIA – Pain In the Arse.

PIN – Pain In the Neck

PIP – Pyjama Induced Paralysis.

PMS – Poor Miserable Soul who won’t stop complaining

PRATFO – Patient Reassured And Told to F**k Off

PPP – Piss Poor Protoplasm – a patient endowed with inferior genetic material

Pumpkin Positive – Shine a light in the patient’s ear and the whole head will light up

SALT – Same As Last Time

SBI – Something Bad Inside

SIG – Stupid Ignorant Git

SNEFS – Sub-Normal Even For Suffolk

TAPS – Thick As Pig Sh*t.

TATT – Tired All The Time

TBP – Total Bloody Pain

TEETH – Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy

TEON – Two Eyes One Nose

TMB – Too Many Birthdays (applied to aged patients)

TOBAS – Take Out Back And Shoot.

TTFO – Told To F*** Off

TUBE – Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination

UBI – Unexplained Beer Injury

UDI – Unexplainable Drinking Injury

VAC – Vultures are Circling (patient dying)

WAW – What a Wally

WDWNF – Well-Developed Well-Nourished Female

WNL – Used for recording vital signs. It can mean ‘within normal limits’ or ‘we never looked’

WOMBAT – Waste Of Money, Brains And Time

Curse of the commentators

LAST Saturday I watched two football matches on the box – Liverpool v Everton and Chelsea against Arsenal. Both had me yelling obscenities at the screen. It wasn’t the men on the pitch who upset me, it was the blasted commentary teams.

The first game, on TNT, formerly BT Sport, boasted Darren Fletcher, aided and abetted by Ally McCoist and Rio Ferdinand. They try to give the impression of being best mates, with the latter two referring to their colleague as ‘Fletch’ and all three in constant fawning agreement with each other.

Fletcher is the master of the blindingly obvious. A typical snippet: ‘Both sets of supporters are desperate for a victory.’ Ferdinand: ‘Spot-on there, Fletch.’ McCoist: ‘Absolutely.’

Ah, the ubiquitous A-word. I stopped counting at 50 examples on Saturday yet there were many more to come. In one match. It seems to be compulsory for everyone babbling on about footie, on all channels, at every game, in almost every sentence. Oh for the days when a mere ‘Yes’ would suffice. McCoist is one of the worst offenders while he also appends the words ‘I really do’ to virtually every opinion voiced in his Gorbals brogue, which becomes thicker by the day. To adapt a phrase, you can take the McCoist out of Glasgow but ye cannae take the Glasgae oot of McCoist.

Gary Neville, a champagne leftie obscenely overpaid by Sky Sports, is just as bad in the A-word department while his stupidity shines through as he repeatedly and solemnly intones such original phrases as ‘at this moment in time’. It makes me yearn for the days of Kenneth Wolstenholme alone in the commentary box – ‘Law, Best, Charlton – one-nil.’

I have scoured the internet seeking ways to cancel live sports commentary while keeping the crowd noise and stadium atmosphere – no dice. Why? There must be many people like me who would willingly pay extra not to hear the drivelling of McCoist, Neville and the rest. I think I’ll start a petition. Absolutely. I really do.

Old jokes’ home

Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve got a lettuce leaf sticking out of my bottom.’ Doctor: ‘I’m afraid it’s just the tip of the iceberg.’

A PS from PG

As a rule my relations with housemaids are cordial and sympathetic. If I meet a housemaid, I beam at her and say ‘Good morning’ and she beams at me and says ‘Good morning’ and all is joy and peace. But this one I would have gladly socked on the napper with a brick.

PG Wodehouse: The Mating Season

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Alan Ashworth
Alan Ashworth
Alan Ashworth is a former national newspaper journalist now retreated to the Ribble Valley, where he grows cacti and tramps the fells. He and his wife Margaret run a website, A-M Records , which includes their collected TCW columns plus extra features including Tracks of the Day. Requests, queries and comments can be sent to alanj126@yahoo.co.uk

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