Sunday, November 29, 2020
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The alternative Boris

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THERE was embarrassment in Downing Street on Tuesday after Boris Johnson’s message congratulating Joe Biden turned out to contain a half-hidden alternative message congratulating Donald Trump. 

Now it’s been revealed that the Prime Minister has a file of ‘either-or’ contingency speeches stored in readiness to meet changing circumstances. They include . . .  

Brexit  

It is with pride and joy / sorrow and regret that I announce tonight a major breakthrough / disastrous setback in the Brexit negotiations.  

The EU is  cravenly conceding / stubbornly refusing all our outstanding demandsgiving us a hugely advantageous trade deal / a massive tariff burden.  

Under the agreement, we will be sealing our borders / opening Britain to unlimited immigration and taking back control of our fishing grounds / allowing French trawlermen to plunder our coastal waters and sail right up the Thames to Westminster Bridge waving cod and singing La Marseillaise. TheEU will also be cancelling / doubling the £39billion Brexit divorce bill.

The name of Britain will ring proudly down the ages / be changed to European Economic Region 3. So I say to you all: Rule Britannia! / Vive la Republique!  

Lockdown  

I am delighted / saddened to announce that lockdown restrictions will be lifted / intensified over the festive period and Operation Ho-Ho-Ho / Operation Humbug will be put into place to encourage / clamp down on celebrations.  

Families will be able to enjoy a traditional Christmas lunch together / confined to individual rooms in their homes with a bowl of gruel. Revellers can hold parties, swing from the chandeliers and get wasted / will be shot on sight.  

Pubs and shops will open 24 hours / be boarded up and put under armed guard and worshippers can cram into churches and cathedrals for carol services / will be arrested for religious hate crime.  

Every good-hearted citizen / idiot who goes about spreading seasonal cheer / disturbing the peace by shouting‘Merry Christmas’will be given a community award / boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.  

Resignation speech  

With a heavy heart / Yippee! Bloody Yippee! I announce my resignation as Prime Minister. I willretire from politics to spend more time with my families, translate Ancient Greek poetry and take my dog Dilyn for long, reflective walks / earn oodles of cash from memoirs, speeches, newspaper articles, TV appearances and writing books about Churchill.  

To my successor Rishi Sunak / Michael Gove / Nigel Farage? (What do you think, Dom? You never know – better leave him in)  I bequeath a strong and stable economy / a bankrupt country. wish him good luck and Godspeed / don’t envy you, you poor sod – I’m outta here. Huzza!  

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is an amateur local historian and wannabe best-selling novelist.

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