THE BoJo Academy’s new Headmistress has lost no time in making several key changes to the teaching staff.
There will be more than a few pupils’ mothers saddened to learn that Mr Sunak will no longer be on the front line as Head of Economics. With his tailored suits and a nice line in self-effacing repartee, he was a valuable and appreciated stalwart.
Recently, however, he had taken to giving none-too subtle hints that he felt himself more than capable of running the school. This type of duplicitous activity is frowned upon, and its discovery warranted his demotion. Let that be a valuable lesson to any other teachers who feel similarly compelled to unjustified self-aggrandisement.
In his place we welcome back ex-Head Boy Mr Kwarteng. Having just passed his AS level Economics with a commendable grade C, he will bring a wealth of experience and a ‘can-do’ attitude to his new post. We wish him every success.
Our indefatigable Domestic Science teacher Ms Patel has been ‘let go’. A popular staff member who contributed greatly to the gaiety of the school, she regrettably seemed incapable of catering to a high standard on a regular basis.
Whilst her interpretation of culinary classics such as Eton Mess (strawberries, meringue and cream) transformed to Rwandan Mess with a large dollop of fudge were well known, it was the seemingly endless serving of half-baked dishes that proved her undoing.
Although it must be noted her farewell menu of well-cooked goose served with a bitter sauce was something of a triumph. We wish her well for the future and hope that she finds a new role commensurate with her abilities – we hear that there is a vacancy at Cameron’s Cash ’n’ Carry in the High Street.
Ms Braverman takes up responsibility for all food matters forthwith and we look forward to more traditional fare being served.
Matron, who has delivered faultless, dedicated, tireless and compassionate care from her villa in the Algarve has felt, not unreasonably, that it is time to hang up her stethoscope. Her unwavering commitment to ensuring the boys’ welfare has been a beacon of professionalism that other schools would do well to emulate.
The Bursar has generously agreed to the suggestion that only a substantial financial gift would suffice as a leaving present. To that end Matron will shortly be hearing the satisfying thud of one of the school’s traditional bulging brown envelopes landing on her doormat.
In her place and re-opening the sanatorium doors comes Ms Coffey. With a valuable pedigree in medical matters gained through her employment at ‘Cigars ’R’ Us’, the emporium on Clarke Lane dedicated to smokers’ requisites, she will be the trusted face of health care at the school going forward.
A close friend of the Headmistress, Matron has promised to prioritise the voluminous backlog of boys presenting with a variety of ailments. The ‘Zoom’ consultations will continue for the foreseeable future but she is confident that things will return to normal shortly – watch this space!
Medice, cura te ipsum – as old Mr Hancock might say!
Many pupils have of course been troubled about the future of the geography department following Ms Truss’s promotion to Headmistress. We are happy to report that with the appointment of Mr Cleverly, whose name says it all, the school’s reputation for imparting outstanding and admired learning can only be enhanced.
Farewell to Mr Gove, who did marvellous work on levelling up the playing fields, and who also feels it time to stand down. We are reliably informed that he is ‘following his heart’ and intends to become a dance instructor. He has taken over the lease at the ground-floor studio in Traitors Lane that was home to the renowned May’s School of Dance. Mr Gove will no doubt put his best foot forward, something that sadly eluded him during his time at the school.
With winter just around the corner, it will be an exciting and challenging time for all. With Ms Truss in charge we can be confident that all will be well at the BoJo Academy.