IT’S ALL over! After a mammoth final heave, the Headmaster delivered an unparalleled triumph at the inter-schools pantomime in Glasgow. Naysayers have been wrong-footed again and the world can heave a sigh of relief that humanity will not be vaporised in a huge fireball of our own creation.
Supply teacher Mr Sharma’s heart-rending tears were surely tears of joy at ‘mission accomplished’.
Following pantomime tradition dictated over the years, the communique was a masterclass of humbug and hyperbole. Participants deserve a well-earned pat on the back for achieving the hitherto impossible. At the ‘curtain call’ delegates were told that we were on track to enjoy living standards that our forefathers enjoyed centuries ago.
There were many highlights to choose from, but it would be remiss not to mention the presentation of Tomorrow’s World, hosted by a holographic representation of the much-missed Raymond Baxter. Attendees were treated to a ‘glimpse into the house of the future’ and admired the huge advances in wattle and daub construction, compostable toilets, dung heat bricks and hurricane lamps. Grand designs indeed!
The emotional and uplifting finale was a rousing chorus of Cliff Richard’s ‘We’re not going on a summer holiday’.
School affairs – no, not those!
Matron has been in contact to say, that despite the Bursar’s recent largesse and new staff, the sanatorium is ‘running hot’ and that it might not be possible to look after sick pupils going forward. She has suggested that the school be closed indefinitely and that pupils once again ‘learn from home’. The Headmaster comments:
‘The health and welfare of pupils and staff is of supreme importance, we will listen carefully to Matron’s comments and take whatever action is needed at an appropriate time.’
Thank you, Headmaster – we are indeed fortunate to have you ‘in charge’.
Sadly, there has been some uncalled-for criticism of the popular Mr Cox, who heads up the sixth form law module. Well-known for his booming voice and love of amateur dramatics, he found himself embroiled in a confected furore concerning additional earnings outside of his schoolwork.
We take strong exception to this unwarranted intrusion into internal staff matters, yet were happy to undertake a swift review. This resulted in a total vindication of Mr Cox’s recent trip to the British Virgin Islands. Mr Cox gave a forthright explanation of his overseas tutoring duties and also took the opportunity to clarify that the bulging brown envelopes seen in his ‘pigeon-hole’ in the staff-room were in fact scripts for future drama society productions.
Mr Paterson similarly found himself the centre of unwarranted attention relating to his ‘incessant question tabling’ at recent staff meetings. Like Mr Cox, there was a totally innocent explanation behind these matters, which we were happy to accept. Mr Paterson however has decided to leave the school and will be replaced shortly.
Book for the Library?
Word reaches us that our former Head of Geography has been busy writing a book. Mr Hancock (‘Handsy’) served the school for several years before a regrettable indiscretion forced him out under a cloud. The memoir, provisionally and self-deprecatingly titled ‘How I won the Covid War’, promises to deliver behind-the-scenes details of ‘ministerial rows, lockdown discussions and heated debates with scientists’.
We look forward to receiving a copy for the library and have already made space under ‘fiction’.
Remembering the fallen
Reflection and remembrance were the key themes uppermost in the minds of three staff members who went to ‘pay their respects’ in Gibraltar on behalf of the school. A combination of emotion and hot weather led to some misunderstandings on arrival. Ms Nichols, who heads up Hebridean Studies, suffered an unfortunate allergic reaction to the antibiotic ‘myginneedsfillin’ and required considerable assistance – we wish her well and thank them for their efforts.
Finally, the recent arrival of thousands of pupils from the Lycée Français has come as a complete surprise. Unfortunately, it has placed something of a strain on school resources. There will shortly be a fund-raising effort targeting some ‘old boys (and girls!)’ who we would encourage to donate generously.