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The BoJo Academy: Mr Sunak and Loose Women


MANY parents were recently caught unawares by the Headmaster’s surprise appearance on what is widely acknowledged to be the UK’s most penetrating current affairs programme. With its combative style and gladiatorial format, Loose Women is a gruelling ordeal for any guest.

Yet, despite its fearsome reputation, the Headmaster was happy to accept an invitation to discuss the state of education in the UK, and more importantly the crises which have befallen the BoJo Academy.

Mr Sunak dealt efficiently with a barrage of hostile questions, including one interlocutor who aggressively quizzed him on the rumour that a massive fundraising operation was under way, targeting old boys in particular.

Laughing, and very much at ease, the Headmaster was quick to point out the muddle-headedness of this speculation.

‘Look, I don’t know where this canard came from, but the school coffers are in a very good financial state, in no small way due to the patient ministrations of our Bursar Mr Hunt. In fact, we now have so many overseas boys wanting to join the Academy that, regrettably, we cannot accommodate them all. You might be surprised to learn that almost 10,000 boys have asked to join us this year alone. That speaks volumes about how successful we are.’

He was then asked some demanding questions regarding his choice of footwear, revealing that he has been a long-time fan of Adidas Samba trainers and explaining: ‘They are supremely comfortable, offering firm yet supple arch support, and reflect my love of youthful fashion.’

The interview culminated with the Headmaster being presented with his very own and highly coveted Loose Women mug. It has a large picture of Mr Sunak and underneath it is the word IDIOT, which the popular presenter Ms Street-Porter assured him is an acronym for I Did It On Telly.

Well done, Headmaster!

It was a real pleasure to hear from former Rayner’s Lane Principal Mr Blair – or Mao, as the boys mischievously called him. Since vacating office, he has worked tirelessly in promoting his modern and go-ahead educational policies via the modestly titled Tony Blair Institute.

Many schools and colleges across the world have subscribed to ‘Tony’s Office of School Husbandry’ or TOSH for short. For relatively large fees, establishments are able to download tutorials on a number of subjects relating to school life.

Popular modules include detention, surveillance, IT communication, binding sanatorium treatises, the cashless tuck shop and perhaps the most popular component – ID cards, the gateway to a happier future.

With such a pedigree, it was only a matter of time before Mr Blair was making headlines again, and this week he made much of how AI could help schools up and down the land – leading to valuable cost savings.

Commenting on this exciting development, Mr Blair said: ‘I think we all know that society, but schools in particular, have been slow to grasp the huge benefits that technology can bring. When I was at Fettes, the so-called language laboratory with its reel-to-reel tape recorders and headphones was considered revolutionary. Now, of course people would laugh at such antediluvian equipment.

‘AI offers a whole new way of learning: teachers appearing as holograms, students able to mark their own homework, pupils absorbing the modern curriculum unencumbered by misinformation; this is what I see as the way forward. This can and will deliver cost efficiencies across the board. One must only look at the hugely positive impact IT infrastructure has had on Whitehall to understand that this technological revolution needs to be seized on and embraced wholeheartedly.’

Well said, Mr Blair, and thank you for continuing to contribute to the education debate!

Finally, it was with some sadness that we heard Ms Elphicke, or Nat, as she liked to be called, has decided to join Mr Starmer at Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive. She was a popular teacher and loyally stood by her fellow teacher and husband Charlie, who was unfortunately embroiled in some rather unsavoury incidents with several women. What a pity she couldn’t show the same loyalty to the staff and parents who put their trust in her.

Good luck, you turncoat, you will not be missed!

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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