INSPIRATIONAL, stupendous and brilliant were just three of the many positive expressions from prospective pupils’ parents who attended a recent evening presentation from the Headmaster in Founder’s Hall.
The theme was ‘The BoJo Academy – now and for ever’.
The Headmaster gave an overview of the Academy’s strengths, and more pertinently why, in these difficult economic times, it makes absolute sense for parents to make an economic sacrifice to guarantee a place for their offspring.
Unusually, Mr Sunak chose to use a simple flip-chart presentation to outline his key points. Eschewing his usual holographic delivery with multiple technical layers, by simply creating a childlike drawing of an empty house he was able to evoke a real sense of what the Academy can offer.
He also touched on the annual fees, which by common consent are extremely high and serve as a deterrent for many individuals. With a few deft strokes of his felt tip, the Headmaster drew a highwayman brandishing a flintlock and joked that this was the Bursar.
Whilst this drew an appreciative laugh from the audience, several present thought they had spotted Mr Hunt playing with a small piece of rope in the shadows.
The other notable takeaway from the day was Mr Sunak’s attire. Normally one sees him around the premises in traditional dark suit, polished shoes and plain tie. Wishing to underscore his modern credentials and the Academy’s forward-looking approach, he quite sensibly opted to go casual.
Many of the more fashion-conscious mums have since inquired where they could obtain copies of his modish zip-up cardigan, and wanted to know what material it was made from.
We are happy to report that Mr Sunak’s eye-catching ensemble came from Dire & Bereft, the gentlemen’s outfitters in the High Street, and that it is made from eco-friendly ‘inless’ – a hard-wearing combination of the two fabrics inept and hopeless.
We look forward to seeing some fathers sporting this garment at future gatherings!
The financial aspect of school operations is of course of paramount importance. While no guarantees could be given directly, Mr Sunak expressed his keenness to reduce fees ‘as and when the time is right’. At this moment, Mr Hunt, who had been watching proceedings through his newly acquired infra-red night-vision binoculars, had to leave for a pressing engagement, unfortunately slamming the door loudly on the way out.
If anyone needed proof of the BoJo’s financial expertise they need only look at the unfortunate shenanigans occurring less than a mile away at Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive.
Having announced, in his usual portentous and self-important way, that a large green initiative would be unveiled, it was typical that Mr Starmer had immediately and embarrassingly to declare that this proposal would not in fact be possible owing to budgetary constraints.
The Academy has avoided criticising other educational establishments within the Borough, preferring to think that we are all doing their best for future generations. On this occasion, however, Mr Sunak notes:
‘Quite how such an imbecile ever ascended to the heights of Headmaster is simply unfathomable and quite inexplicable. Whilst it is unfortunate that some parents will have no choice as to where they send their children, we at the Academy rejoice in the dedicated and capable team we have, who each and every day punch well above their weight’.
Well said, Headmaster!
There has been some uncalled-for and largely incorrect commentary following publication of Mr Sunak’s tax return. While his income – running into millions of pounds – might seem at first glance excessive for a Headteacher, nothing could be further from the truth.
The Headmaster is a hugely valuable asset, not only to the Academy but to the wider educational community both at home and abroad. He is worth twice this amount. We would respectfully ask that ungrateful and stupid parents keep their inane observations to themselves.
Finally, popular supply teacher Ms Badenoch, who has been spotted on numerous occasions in the vicinity of Headmaster’s Lodge, has confirmed that she was there simply to admire the Victorian architecture. We are happy to accept her explanation and wish her well in her as-yet-undecided position within the Academy.