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Monday, May 27, 2024
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HomeNewsThe BoJo Academy: Mr Sunak’s bulletin from the bunker

The BoJo Academy: Mr Sunak’s bulletin from the bunker

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There has been a great deal of conjecture and rumour surrounding the school’s viability and even whether it has a worthwhile future. The Headmaster is keen to set the record straight and sets out his views here:

Running the Academy is not at all easy. There are many competing calls on finances, policy, and staffing matters; I often liken it to skippering a yacht. Yes, there are storms to weather, yes, there are squalls to contend with, and sometimes one is unlucky in selecting crew members who, despite exemplary credentials, turn out to be complete duds.

The latter would appear to be the case with supply teacher Mr Poulter, or Doctor Dan as many called him. He joined the school almost 15 years ago and steadfastly kept below the radar, earning him the sobriquet Mr Invisible.

When he originally presented himself to the school’s selection panel, Mr Poulter made much of the St John Ambulance Training Certificate he had been awarded, and how this could be invaluable in supporting Matron’s efforts and the general running of the Sanatorium. Additionally he apparently espoused views that chimed with the Academy’s. He waxed lyrical about tradition, and how vitally important it was that the Academy pursue its uncompromising approach in admitting only the best pupils from both home and abroad.

With hindsight, it is of course now easy to see that alarm bells should have been ringing when he mentioned how inspired he was by former Headmaster Mr Cameron alongside talk of helping the poor and disadvantaged. At the time it was simply thought that these sentiments were no more than expressions of inclusivity and equality, which he perhaps felt we would like to hear.

Considering his recent defection to join the swelling ranks of Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive, it is obvious that Dr Dan should never have been invited to join the illustrious and highly regarded teaching cadre of the BoJo Academy.

In the spirit of educational comradeship, we wish him well and look forward to him sinking without trace after his brief moment in the sun.

Eagle-eyed boys will have spotted that we currently have the ‘builders in’ at Headmaster’s Lodge. For some time now, I have felt that day-to-day activities are proving to be a tiresome distraction, and that I need time and space to devote my energies to improving all aspects of school life.

To that end, we are midway through the construction of a subterranean multimedia and office complex, complete with washrooms, emergency lighting, blast-proof doors and integral air supply.

I am extremely grateful to Mr Hunt, the Bursar, for allocating funds to this project and for his constant support. I have it on good authority that he jokingly calls this new edifice ‘the bunker’ – although in all honesty I cannot see the golf analogy!

Akshata and I are very much looking forward to our first ‘date night’ in the soon-to-be-completed underground cinema. Mr Hunt has already thoughtfully loaned me a DVD called Downfall which he tells me should be quite illuminating. I am not familiar with it, but knowing the Bursar as I do, it will most likely be an upbeat musical!

The admiring attention being focused on Mr Starmer, his peculiar educational establishment and even odder staff, is inexplicable. For anyone weighing up potential institutions for their progeny, they would do well to look at what has happened to St Krankies north of the border.

At first glance, Mr Yousaf seemed a competent, disciplined and likeable individual, well able to put some order into the chaos that followed Headmistress Sturgeon. How parents must now regret their outgoing choice.

As with many individuals drawn to teaching, power can occasionally corrupt, and the needs and wants of the pupils can simply be swept away in a tidal wave of imbecilic, half-baked, fiscally ruinous claptrap.

I would like to take the opportunity to assure parents that all is well with the Academy, and that despite a few unfortunate setbacks, we undoubtedly have a wonderful future.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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