Monday, July 15, 2024
HomeCulture WarThe BoJo Academy – our money’s on Mr Southgate

The BoJo Academy – our money’s on Mr Southgate


WHILE the date of the Academy’s Ofsted inspection on July 4 is now common knowledge, it was, until a few weeks ago, known only to the Headmaster and a few trusted colleagues.

What a pity to learn that certain individuals who should have known better took advantage of this information to place bets at the High Street ‘Odds R Us’ betting shop. The BoJo Academy has earned a well-deserved reputation for probity and for honourable and civic-minded staff. To have this standing damaged by the actions of a few rogue individuals is deeply troubling.

Mr Sunak was quick to voice his concern at a hastily convened PTA meeting where he told worried parents:

‘I was as appalled as you were to learn of the disgraceful behaviour of Mr Mason, Mr Jack, Mr Williams, Mr Lee and Ms Saunders. These people sought to gain some financial advantage from inside information, and that runs not only contrary to the ethos of the Academy, but also is potentially illegal.

‘I have wasted no time in seeking to address this matter, and only last week rang the local constabulary’s “hot line” for reporting urgent matters requiring immediate assistance. I would like to reassure parents that I left a long and detailed message on their answerphone and should hear back within the next couple of weeks.

‘It would therefore be inappropriate for me to comment further, and I suggest that it is best if we leave the judicial process to run its course.’

Thank you, Headmaster, for your decisive and soothing intervention.

On a happier note, we are delighted to report on the football team’s unparalleled success in the European Schools’ Cup currently taking place in Germany.

The Games Master, Mr Southgate, has worked tirelessly in building an eleven-man squad into a team we can at last be proud of. Dapperly attired in a waistcoat, Mr Southgate been something of a controversial individual, dividing parents with his sometimes-impenetrable training regimes.

One such exercise was his insistence that all boys kneel prior to kick off in support of Block Lanes Matter – apparently a rather outmoded, and now discredited, training system. Yet vindication has now been served wholesale with his persistence in using the well-worn acronym BORING (Balls offset right into netted goals). With each and every team member drilled endlessly into playing BORING football we are at last seeing the fruits of his labour.

On Tuesday evening pupils gathered in the sports hall where a large screen had been hastily erected to broadcast live the thrilling match between the BoJo Academy first team and Ljubljana Boys’ School.

For those unfortunate not to have seen this game, they missed a true gladiatorial contest. In a nail-biting, edge-of-the-seat spectacular Mr Southgate’s boys did not only the School proud, but the whole nation. As a sign of appreciation, and in recognition of their heroic efforts, as they left the field triumphant in their goalless draw, they were treated to a shower of plastic beer cups and ear-splitting booing from a grateful crowd of supporters who had made their way to Germany to enjoy this magnificent display.

Speaking to Mr Sunak by telephone, Mr Southgate was eager to let the Academy know that he fully intends to bring home the trophy. We can’t wait!

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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