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HomeCulture WarThe BoJo Academy: Price cap in the tuck shop

The BoJo Academy: Price cap in the tuck shop

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ADMIRED the world over, the BoJo Academy epitomises the very best that a school can offer. Providing excellence in education, and in no small measure entertainment, it is an institution that has had, like all temples of learning, to adapt to demanding and changing circumstances. Resignations, in-house rivalry, scandals, financial problems, climate change and modern etiquette – not least the thorny issue of gender identity – have all raised their head over the last year. TCWDF presents a selection from the school archives, chronicling a few hectic terms. This article was first published on June 1, 2023.

FOR several months the Headmaster has been acutely aware of how inflation has affected the School. This has been particularly evident in the tuck shop, where confectionery has been hit hardest. While having an impact on all pupils, those on assisted places have suffered disproportionately.

Mr Sunak has therefore taken decisive action and has put a ‘price cap’ on items that he deems staples. Going forward, boys will be delighted to learn that gobstoppers, Curly Wurlys and Fruit Salads will see no price rises in the next 12 months. Additionally, we would like to inform parents that foam prawns are vegan-friendly and that milk-bottle gums are suitable for those with lactose intolerance.

Lastly, sweet tobacco, long enjoyed by older and younger boys, will no longer be available. The Academy wants no part in promoting what many see as a gateway to cigarettes.

Donations

Financial gifts have long been an important feature of school life. These might be via bursaries, one-off contributions from grateful old boys, or occasionally bequests from wealthy individuals. Wherever they come from, however, it is vital that they are accountable and transparent. Unfortunately, but not altogether unsurprisingly, Mr Starmer from Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive appears not to have made adequate inquiries into a recent and sizeable financial donation.

Mr Vince, or Dale as he is frequently referred to, runs Fruitcake Fuels in the High Street, a worthy yet so far embryonic enterprise. Despite having only a smattering of customers in the village, he was able to write a substantial cheque in favour of Rayner’s Lane. Neither an old boy himself, nor someone with close connections to the school, his largesse was something of a mystery.

It transpires, however, that Mr Starmer has chosen to do away with the oil and gas boilers which heat the school, opting to rely on Mr Vince supplying all the school’s energy needs via wave power. This decision (hot on the heels of cashing the cheque), raised eyebrows, not least when you consider the nearest coastline is more than 100 miles away.

Thankfully, the BoJo Academy vets all financial gifts closely and that is why we insist that monies should come only from countries with impeccable fiscal credentials – the Cayman Islands and Panama being two which spring to mind.

On ‘yer’ bike

We have been contacted by the Cycling Club following an avalanche of applications for their forthcoming race. They have asked us to point out that The Trans Pennine Challenge is an event open to all pupils, and is not exclusive to those suffering from gender dysphoria.

They have also informed us that they would like to apologise unreservedly for the posters which appeared around the Academy. The text asking: ‘Boy oh boy, are you man enough for this?’ is, with hindsight, grossly offensive and something that quite simply should never have seen the light of day.

To avoid any further upset, the Headmaster has requested that any future promotional literature is approved in advance by himself.

Thank you, Headmaster, for agreeing to add to your already considerable workload.

Finally, the engineering faculty’s newly acquired drone which went rogue last week has not been recovered. From satellite tracking it looks as though it struck a building outside the borough. Construction of a new model will begin shortly when parts are available from the Kyiv Boys’ School.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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