Tuesday, July 27, 2021
HomeNewsThe BoJo Academy Report – Goodbye, Mr Hancock

The BoJo Academy Report – Goodbye, Mr Hancock

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BUSY, busy, busy! That’s the only way to describe ‘Lockdown Term’ at the BoJo Academy. The school fete, staff comings and goings and a conference to chair certainly tested the Headmaster’s mettle – but true to form and with a dash of elan he passed with flying colours.

The annual international H7 meeting of like-minded Headteachers was a huge success. This year, as host, the Headmaster decided that rather than holding it on the school premises, the seminar would be more productive ‘by the coast’. To that end an Airbnb was rented in Carbis Bay in Cornwall and whilst the Headmaster would be too modest to blow his own trumpet, it was an inspired choice.

It was a fabulous opportunity for these ‘important people’, as Mr Whittingdale the Art Master calls them, to talk freely, make decisions and mingle intimately in delightful surroundings. 

Mr Biden, the recently installed Principal of the Elders of Pennsylvania Democratic Academy made an important (if occasionally rambling!) contribution, reminding colleagues of the importance of gender, respect and tolerance. We salute you, Sir, and wish you all success in your new job.

The highlight of the conference was undoubtedly the beach BBQ where partners were able to join in and add a touch of glamour to proceedings. And didn’t Mrs Headmaster do the school proud? Looking comfortable and chic in a soft stone-washed Portofino linen trouser suit with guanaco shawl, she set the fashion bar very high. Sadly, Frau Merkel from the Lutherian Hauptschule let the side down wearing what looked to be a DDR shotputter’s cast-offs – Schade!

The school fete which took place recently was, for obvious reasons, not quite as successful as previous years. Attendance was restricted with over half the parents turned away by Matron in her ‘Lateral Flow Test Tent’ situated in the car park. There were mutterings from some disgruntled non-attendees about certain visitors bypassing the tent and accessing the playing fields by the side entrance on Airport Road. We are happy to put the record straight here. Overseas friends of the headmaster were always going to be exempted from the rather onerous restrictions that would have deterred them from attending if applied too rigorously. Potential donors to the school’s restoration fund will always be welcome.

In a similar vein it is perhaps pertinent to point out that the inter-school five-a-side soccer tournament has also been given dispensation from normal rules – so please, no carping from the sidelines!

Those fortunate enough to get in were able to enjoy a wonderful day of sideshows and stalls. Especially popular were the ‘whack-a-variant’ and ‘pin the mask’ tents, but without question the absolute ‘hit’ on the day was the ‘Build Back Batter’ tent. Parents, staff and pupils were challenged to produce the most impressive Yorkshire pudding. Unsurprisingly, the honours went to our multi-talented domestic science teacher Ms Patel whose creation wowed the judges. They were particularly impressed by the astounding amount of hot air she managed to cram into her winning construction – bien cuit, Madame Patel!

Missing this year was our former statistics teacher Mr Ferguson’s ‘fortune telling’ gazebo which for many years was a well-liked if slightly odd attraction. His predictions, always wild and ludicrous, have now taken on a more sinister and frightening tone. Recently he was seen poring over chicken entrails like some latter-day haruspex, telling those prepared to listen that their loved ones would die a horrible and painful death. Quite naturally it was felt that such upsetting prognostications were not welcome.

Comings and goings: 

Vale! to our long-serving Head of Geography Mr Hancock. Noted for his ‘hands-on’ approach to the job, his commitment to the school has been unwavering. Regrettably, a lack of judgement led to him being caught by one of the many CCTV cameras installed around the school, in what can only be described as a compromising position with a teaching assistant.

The Headmaster was swift to take decisive action and nip a problem ‘in the bud’. By declaring it ‘a private matter’ he was able to demonstrate to parents his ruthless, no-nonsense, zero tolerance approach to indiscretions that bring shame on the school.

Mr Hancock, fresh from being labelled ‘f**king useless’, felt that it was perhaps better for all if he stood down to stem the torrent of abuse that was directed at him.

Salve! A welcome return to our former economics teacher Mr Javid who has rejoined the staff and brings a wealth of experience to his new post as Head of Health and Well-being. The Headmaster and his wife are delighted with his appointment and are looking forward to fresh ‘blue sky’ thinking that will lift the somewhat gloomy atmosphere that presently pervades the premises.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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