Tuesday, October 19, 2021
HomeCulture WarsThe BoJo Academy Report – protests and pedaloes

The BoJo Academy Report – protests and pedaloes

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WITH summer holidays (mainly spent at home) finished and pupils now back at school, it is time for an update from that paragon of progressive education, The BoJo Academy.

Please behave responsibly . . .

Whilst the Headmaster has always made plain his sympathies relating to the environment, he was somewhat irritated by the handful of third-form boarders who took matters into their own hands last week and blocked access to the school car park.

With placards reading ‘Insulate the Dorm Now’, they made for a frankly unedifying spectacle. Many day-boy parents were prevented from dropping their children off, and tempers flared when the sixth-form prefects tasked with quickly moving the demonstrators on seemed anxious not to upset them. Phrases such as ‘If there’s anything you need just let us know’ and ‘We can get some things from the tuck shop if you’re hungry’ were heard and did little to allay parents’ concerns that discipline had sunk low down the list of school priorities.

The Headmaster would like to express his regret at the inconvenience caused whilst at the same time acknowledging that the dormitory heating bill is ‘out of control’ and that unpopular measures will need to be taken in the future to ensure that the school fulfils its carbon-neutral goals.

Trespassers beware!

There have been unsettling reports that overseas pupils attending the Lycée Français on the other side of the ornamental lake have taken to ‘landing’, as some boys call it, on our playing fields. Recent incursions saw tents erected and an impromptu BBQ held. This is totally unacceptable and despite the bursar making some considerable cash donations to Monsieur Macron, Le Directeur at the Lycée, to ‘fence off’ the old jetty on their side, little work has been done to prevent these regular jaunts.

Taking charge, our popular domestic science teacher Ms Patel intervened and secured, via eBay, two pedaloes. These dilapidated former ‘Serpentine Lake’ stock have been magnificently restored by the arts and crafts department. Now resplendent in a coat of canary yellow and featuring a decorative white feather on the prow, rich in symbolism of bravery and resolve, these boats will be a regular sight patrolling the lake going forward.

As Ms Patel pointed out: ‘These newly obtained craft, manned skilfully by the Combined Cadet Force, will present a strong visual deterrent to boys trying to make their way to the BoJo Academy fields. Those attempting to cross will be met with a firm and robust response.’

Bien-dire, Mademoiselle Patel!

Safe and sound . . .

Mr Javid, who recently returned to school duties as Head of Geography, has wasted no time in ‘getting his feet under the table’.

With a watchful eye on safety matters he has quickly and efficiently drawn up a series of sensible measures which will ensure the boys’ wellbeing for the coming winter term. With great panache he unveiled his grandiloquent Plan A and Plan B at the Monday assembly last week. At first glance these plans look somewhat similar to earlier ones, but Mr Javid assured the Headmaster that these are ‘blue-sky thinking that pushes the envelope’.

Despite these assurances his presentation was greeted with cries of ‘here we go again’, ‘irreversible, my ar*e’ and the rather childish ‘you’ll bankrupt the school’. The Headmaster was at pains to point out that it remains vitally important we stick to our guidelines which, he reminded us, have served us so successfully over the past two years.

Moving posts . . .

In recognition of diligent hard work and commitment to his post, Mr Raab the Foreign Languages Master has enjoyed a well-earned promotion to Janitor. He takes over from Mr Jenrick who has decided it is high time he spent more time on his allotment. Mr Raab will bring a wealth of experience to his new post and we wish him, his mop and bucket much success going forward.

An apple a day . . .

There has recently been an outburst of ill-informed scuttlebutt relating to the sizeable monetary uplift that the Sanatorium has received over the last two years. Whilst it remains true that we have in effect lost two beds, Matron is keen to assuage any worries and comments.

‘The extra money that the Bursar made available to us has been well spent. I personally undertook an extensive analysis of the most pressing requirements that have hampered our mission to provide exemplary medical care. After careful consideration we have been able to hire the sanatorium’s first diversity and equality officer. This important post is a clear demonstration that pupils’ health is top priority and I hope will bring an end to misplaced tittle-tattle. We are well prepared for the forthcoming cough and cold season.’

Parents and pupils alike have asked whether Matron plans to continue her ‘through the window’ consultations. This innovative approach to keeping pupils at arm’s length has been a rather divisive policy. Some of the older boys have expressed disquiet at having to expose parts of their anatomy at the sanatorium’s frosted-glass ground-floor window, overlooked by the art block.

After discussing this matter with the Headmaster, it has been decided that a small modesty screen will be erected to afford a greater degree of privacy for pupils. Additionally, a new quadruple-glazed window will replace the frosted glass, affording quicker and more accurate diagnoses. Well done, Matron, for putting your charges’ welfare first and foremost.

Finally . . .

The two boys seem peeping through the bedroom window of Headmaster’s Lodge (no doubt hoping for a view of his glamorous wife) will be caught and punished. They have been recorded on CCTV and DNA has been recovered. The glimpse of the Headmaster in his underwear has given rise to an extremely unsavoury and frankly un-funny joke about the Turin Shroud that is ‘doing the rounds’.

To make matters clear, the Headmaster reports that he wears ‘boxer shorts made from a combination of Japanese cotton woven with elastasteel – which provide for comfort, unbeatable wicking and firm control – something Mrs Headmaster is keen on’.

Too much information, Headmaster!

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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