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Sunday, April 21, 2024
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HomeNewsThe BoJo Academy: Welcome back, Mr Lockdown!

The BoJo Academy: Welcome back, Mr Lockdown!

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IT IS with some degree of sadness that we have heard of boys spreading ill-founded gossip about the school to parents and guardians. Words such as fiasco, meltdown, failure and shambles have drawn the attention of several individuals. We would like to take this opportunity to issue a complete rebuttal of this unwarranted and wholly inaccurate tittle-tattle.

It is indeed true that the recently appointed Head of Economics, Mr Kwarteng, has had to stand down. With his Grade C Economics AS Level, it was initially thought that he would be an admirably talented successor to the mums’ favourite, Mr Sunak.

Unhappily, he has proven to be a somewhat incapable teacher. His failure to differentiate between Milton and Maynard saw bemused economics students completing an onerous project on a city at Junction 14 of the M1. This fundamental ineptitude was underscored by his ruination of the popular ‘share club’.

We are sad to see him go and wish him well in whatever direction his talents take him.

With every departure comes an opportunity and it is a huge welcome back to one of the Academy’s most gifted tutors, Mr Hunt, (or Mr Lockdown as boys nicknamed him) who has kindly consented to ‘step up to the plate’.

Older boys will remember the admirable work Mr Hunt undertook in closing the Sanatorium and outsourcing much of Matron’s tedious workload, though it is true that many boarders felt his obsession with safety and insistence on dormitories being secured at sundown was unnecessary. Nevertheless the full-size balsa-wood glider found hidden in the eaves of the science block was a total overreaction, as was the tunnel under the playing fields. We do not expect a repeat of such stupid antics. A popular and loyal individual with a ready smile, Mr Hunt will be a much-appreciated member of staff, and we can look forward to his close co-operation and support going forward.

The Academy is not immune to escalating expenditure, and whilst we had hoped to maintain the 19 per cent tax on overseas students’ accommodation (confirmed only last week), it has proved impossible to hold to that amount. Going forward, the Bursar has confirmed that this percentage will be increased to 25 per cent. We are sorry for any confusion caused.

Taking the opportunity to address the staff at a hastily convened assembly in the school gymnasium, the Headmistress said: ‘I’m absolutely determined to see through what I have promised, to deliver a higher growth, more prosperous Academy, to see us through the storm we face.

‘But it was right in the face of the issues that we had that I acted decisively to ensure that we have economic stability, because that is vitally important to pupils and parents right across the school.’

Challenged on whether she would apologise to parents for the upset, Ms Truss said: ‘I am determined to deliver on what I set out when I campaigned to be Headmistress,’

Well done Ms Truss, and here’s to a prosperous and harmonious future!

Late news:

We are in receipt of the Film Society’s forthcoming screening schedule:

Oct 19 One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

Oct 26 The Hindenburg

Nov 1 Gray Lady Down (tbc)

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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