Friday, July 1, 2022
HomeNewsThe BoJo Academy, where the staff are revolting 

The BoJo Academy, where the staff are revolting 

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VENI, vidi, vici. That could well sum up the Headmaster’s handling of a recent and somewhat fractious PTA meeting. Following revelations of a rather cavalier approach to school rules – notably, and regrettably in the main by the teaching staff, parents not unexpectedly vented their fury.  

However, in a barnstorming address to staff in the common room prior to the meeting, the Headmaster insisted that whilst mistakes had been made, he was focused on ‘getting on with the job’. This commitment was good enough to stop a potentially difficult situation from getting out of hand. Congratulations Headmaster on your deft and delicate touch! 

Eagle-eyed pupils will have spotted former senior Master Mr Hunt – or Janus as the boys nicknamed him, on school premises recently. A familiar figure, with a surname that many have trouble in pronouncing, he struggled finding meaningful employment after departing the school, following his root and branch reform of the Sanatorium. We are delighted to learn that he has now established a small business in the village. 

‘Call for Hunt’, is a new mobile mechanic/handyman service with a low-cost pricing structure that he hopes will find favour locally. Keen to drum up business, he dropped by the school to offer his services, and as a gesture of goodwill attended to the brakes on the Headmaster’s car free of charge. 

With that ‘go to’ approach, it cannot be long before Mr Hunt is inundated with requests for help. We look forward to seeing more of him in the coming months. 

The school has, like many institutions, faced several unpalatable cost increases relating to electricity and gas. We need to mitigate these to avoid passing them on in fee increases, which many struggling families would find difficult to pay.  

Going forward, we will be serving only cold meals at lunchtime, and these will be meat-free, as we are keen to offset our carbon emissions. Additionally, the Bunsen burners in the science lab have been disconnected permanently. 

In a similar cost-cutting vein, we have regrettably had to requisition the junior school’s playing fields for the foreseeable future. Mr Kwarteng has been charged with turning this fertile patch of land into an allotment and he tells us excitedly of plans for cabbage, carrots and kale. Dig in! 

On a more celebratory note, The BoJo Academy marked its platinum jubilee in some style last week. A marquee was erected on the front lawn and several notable guests alongside past members of staff were in attendance.  

Mr Blair somewhat typically took the opportunity to show off his Order of the Garter insignia and Mr Major, who with all due respect, commands scant attention these days, was overheard lamenting the fact that the school had severed links with the European Schools Academy.  

Musical entertainment was provided by King Keir and his Intersex Brass Band, who treated revellers to a medley of songs, both old and new. Attendees couldn’t help but notice how trumpet-blowing King Keir put extra oomph into classics such as Rishi, Don’t Lose That NumberAnother One Bites the Dust and, by popular demand, Hit the Road, Jack – where amusingly the audience sang the name Keir, not Jack!  

What a pity that one-time senior staff member Mrs May has not heard the phrase ‘growing old gracefully’. If she had, partygoers would not have to have seen her making a complete spectacle of herself on the dance floor.  

Dancing Queen is not a good choice to throw some shapes to and is best left to the younger generation. Should Mrs May be so taken with strutting her stuff again, may we be so bold as to suggest a suitable tune would be The Calamity Song! 

With holidays back on, we are grateful to our indefatigable domestic science teacher, Ms Patel, for supplying two topical jokes. 

My wife’s gone to the West Indies.

–  Jamaica? 

No, she went of her own accord! 

Q: What goes round in circles, never lands and costs millions of pounds? 

A: A trip to Rwanda 

We are not quite sure if the second joke is meant to be funny or not. Any other witticisms or gags should be forwarded to our roving teacher Mr Gove for consideration. 

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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