Wednesday, December 1, 2021
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The Book of Boses

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In his bizarre speech to the CBI this week, Boris Johnson compared himself to Moses . . .

AND it came to pass that Boses led the people out of bondage in EU-gypt and they gave praise as he promised to take them to a land of milk and honey.  

But once in the desert, the triumph of Brexodus was forgotten as Boses was beguiled by false gods . . . the climate demon Gre-Ta, the plague devil Co-Vid, and the seductive serpent Re-Main.  

And Gre-Ta saith unto Boses that the world was getting hotter and would be consumed by fire, amid much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Wiser counsels spake unto Boses, and said: ‘Yea, but this is the desert. It has been hot here even unto the creation of the Earth.’ But Boses closed his ears and bade them slaughter their gaseous beasts and no more light smoky fires. And the patience of the people was sore tested.  

And Co-Vid came unto Boses, saying, ‘My plague will wipe out multitudes.’ Wiser counsels spake unto Boses and said: ‘Yea, ’tis nought but a sniffly nose and the distemper will not thrive in the clear desert air.’  

But Boses closed his ears and bade the people to walk four cubits apart, rub bitter herbs on their hands, cover their faces with homespun and stay in their tents. And the patience of the people was sore tested.  

And Re-Main appeared in a vision and saith unto Boses: ‘You were wrong to leave EU-gypt. There, the people feast on fatted calves, while here you are eating dung beetles and locusts.’ 

Wiser counsels spake unto Boses and said: ‘Yea, EU-gypt prospers not. It is divided and the treasury is empty – even Pharaoh doth not possess an amphora to p**s in.’ But Boses closed his ears and sent a messenger to Pharaoh to discuss a border on the Red Sea.  

And it came to pass that Boses led the people to the Holy Mountain, where they beseeched him to climb to the top and ask the Almighty to guide him, for their discontent with his leadership was boiling like fire and brimstone.  

And after many days, Boses descended, carrying two stone tablets.  

‘What saith the Almighty, Boses?’ cried the waiting multitude.  

‘There’s good news and bad news,’ replied Boses.  

‘What’s the good news?’  

‘I’ve been wrangling with Him for days and I’ve managed to knock Him down to just ten Commandments.’  

‘What’s the bad news?’  

‘Adultery is still in there.’  

As the people wailed, Boses said: ‘Sorry – only joking! I couldn’t resist that one. No, the fact is that He says He is well pleased with my leadership and He has scribed out a new contract for me on these tablets to take you to the Promised Land of Re-Set. He says any who question me shall be smited and slain. And as you know, the Almighty So-Ros must be obeyed. So stop moaning and keep walking – only 40 years to go.’  

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Weaver Sheridan
Weaver Sheridan is a wannabe best-selling novelist, one of his efforts being the Fifties Franny series, available on Amazon Kindle books.

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