‘OKAY, doctor, you’ve examined me. Why am I feeling so lousy? Have I got Covid-19?’
– ‘No, not Covid-19. I’m sorry to tell you you’re suffering from Scare-21.’
– ‘Yes. Societally-Concocted Anxiety-Raising Episodes. There’s a lot of it about these days. It’s a pernicious cocktail of modern ailments leaving you worried, depressed and addicted to watching Downing Street TV briefings.’
‘But how did I catch Scare-21?’
– ‘Well, I see you came here in an electric car. That will be triggering Range Anxiety, the fear that you won’t have enough battery charge to reach your destination. It’s caused by Boris Johnson’s crazy abolition of petrol-powered vehicles.
‘And from the way you keep looking at your smartphone, I’d diagnose Cyber-Attack Apprehension, a subconscious worry that Bill Gates is monitoring your every waking moment.
‘As you’re still wearing a face mask after the pandemic has been officially over for ages, you’ve obviously also contracted Covid Comeback Syndrome. This is spread by Government scientists who claim a new wave is inevitable so they can hang on to their lucrative jobs.
‘In addition, I suspect you have a lingering infection of Goblinium Carbonus Timorem. That’s Greta Thunberg-inspired climate change fear, combined with sensational media reports of runaway global warming just because we’ve had sunshine in the summer.
‘All these disorders are complicated by you having Cobblers, which has been endemic in the UK population since 2016.’
– ‘Cameron-Osborne Blatant Brexit Lies Encouraging Remainer Swing. Otherwise known as Project Fear, which first flared up during the referendum campaign. Yes, your symptoms all add up to you having Scare-21, I’m afraid.’
‘But what’s the cure for Scare-21? A course of strong antibiotics?’
– ‘No, a course of strong anti-b*ll*cks. Man up and stop believing this s**t, why don’t you! Next, please!’