From: Protection Unit
To: PM’s Private Office
Subject: Report on G7 Beach Barbecue
THE party began with a welcoming sea shanty composed to embrace the PM’s declared aspiration for a gender-neutral world: ‘Fifteen persons of various genders on an unfortunately deceased person’s chest / Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of organic rose water …’
After the barbecue, beach activities were enjoyed by the delegates.
Sandcastle competition: PM Johnson made a model of the HS2 railway, but it was declared invalid because his tunnelling undermined a colony of endangered sandworms.
Japanese PM Yoshihide Suga apologised for dive-bombing President Biden’s model of Pearl Harbour with a hail of pebbles, explaining that old habits die hard.
Bathing belle contest: The winner will be declared at a later date after an investigation into Frau Merkel’s bikini malfunction.
Watersports: The session unfortunately had to be abandoned when Italian PM Mario Draghi fell off his surfboard and impaled himself on a broom handle while showing delegates how he had once worked as a gondolier in Venice.
Donkey rides: President Biden said he didn’t mind carrying that short-assed little French guy, but the bloaty Brit and the funny-looking Kraut dame were a definite no-no.
Petanque: PM Johnson remarked on what small boules the French had. President Macron remarked that size was not everything and enquired if Madame Johnson, who looked exceptionally charmante this evening, did not agree.
Campfire melodies: The Prime Minister’s specially-written version of The Eton Boating Song was appreciated by the delegates and the verse …
Jolly boating weather
The river sparkling like gems
Tie the Froggies together
And throw ’em in Old Father Thames
… was taken in good part by President Macron, who asked the PM to move further up the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.
President Macron remarked that the beach was similar to that at Dunkirk, where in 1940 the British Expeditionary Force had left the French Army dans la merde.
PM Johnson said the beach in fact reminded him of those stretches of bloodstained sand in Normandy, where thousands of Allied soldiers died liberating France in 1944.
President Macron remarked that Normans had landed on a similar beach in England in 1066 and went on to conquer the whole country, bringing civilisation to savages who lived in mud huts and ate pigswill.
PM Johnson enquired if President Macron would care to continue their conversation behind the beach huts, where he would forcibly remind President Macron of the treatment that the Duke of Wellington had handed out to a similar diminutive, garlic-chewing, megalomaniac upstart at Waterloo in 1815.
However, the party had to be terminated at short notice when a dinghy full of asylum seekers landed on the beach.