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HomeCulture WarThe Headmaster’s seat belt – a clarification

The Headmaster’s seat belt – a clarification


ADMIRED the world over, the BoJo Academy epitomises the very best that a school can offer. Providing excellence in education, and in no small measure entertainment, it is an institution that has had, like all temples of learning, to adapt to demanding and changing circumstances. Resignations, in-house rivalry, scandals, financial problems, climate change and modern etiquette – not least the thorny issue of gender identity – have all raised their head over the last year. TCWDF presents a selection from the school archives, chronicling a few hectic terms. This article was first published on January 26, 2023.

SNEAK, grass or snitch are terms one would like to think not normally associated with the BoJo Academy – except perhaps under medical necessity. However, it is exactly these words which can describe those responsible for alerting the public to the Headmaster’s recent minor motoring transgression.

Whilst filming a piece to camera for future broadcast at next month’s PTA, he inadvertently omitted to fasten his seat belt, thereby contravening the law. The Headmaster immediately admitted his error, and that should have been an end to the matter were it not for the attention of the local media who transformed a simple and completely understandable slip-up into something monumental.

The Headmaster writes: ‘Yes, I was technically in the wrong and should of course have worn my seat belt; I encourage all motorists and passengers to do likewise. I yield to no one in promoting safer roads. Indeed, despite some initial teething troubles and unexpected fatalities, our Smart Driveway at the Academy has been a huge success.’

Thank you for that clarification, Headmaster!

In a similar vein of people having better things to do with their time, it was a great shame to see the ever-popular Chairman of Governors Mr Zahawi coming in for some completely unwarranted criticism.

Since joining the Academy, Mr Zahawi has worked tirelessly to improve facilities across the board. As many parents know he ran the polling concern as something of a hobby, alongside his school duties. The firm, with commissions from the Academy itself, prospered over the years. Mr Zahawi made substantial financial gains, and some fellow teachers – many unfortunately motivated by jealousy – started complaining that he should have made a larger donation to the Academy’s ‘pavilion appeal’. Mr Zahawi was happy to take this on board and volunteered a considerable financial gift, recognising that he had been careless in this matter.

With that money given over, the fuss should and would have died down, had it not been for the loud and unnecessary intervention of staff from the Rayner’s Lane Comprehensive. In a flagrant example of ‘kettle calling pot black’, they whipped up a confected storm of local opinion. To deal with this once and for all, the Headmaster has requested that the school’s ‘Ethics Board’ look into the furore as a matter of urgency.

The Headmaster writes: ‘I very much look forward to reading the forthcoming and detailed report from the Ethics Board exonerating Mr Zahawi.’

The King’s Coronation will be a huge occasion for the nation as well as the Academy. Plans are well under way to make this a day that the school can be proud of. There is a preliminary itinerary which we publish below.

10am: Multi-faith service held in Chapel.

11am: Unveiling of House of the Future. Thatched mud hut erected on playing field perimeter, complete with fire circle made of stones, solitary candle and small patch of land for cassava cultivation.

1pm: Lunch served in dining hall. A sumptuous vegan spread washed down with lashings of water.

3pm: Nursing through the Ages – A fascinating look back at how the care in the sanatorium has developed over the years. (Timings may vary owing to Matron’s strike commitments).

5pm: Re-Naming Dedication. For many years there has been unease at the name ‘Black Boys Lane’, which pupils past and present recognise as the road connecting the junior and main school. The history of this name has long been lost in the mists of time, but with the school’s focus on equality, inclusivity and diversity it is time to remove this offensive moniker. The Headmaster, in the company of local dignitaries, will unveil a new plaque, cast in bronze in the metalworking faculty. From now on this thoroughfare will bask in the resplendent name ‘Chimney Sweep Walk’.

7pm: Lastly, and the highlight of the event, a performance of songs by the acclaimed Scottish group the TERF Decapitators Congressional Chorus. Attendees will be encouraged to sing along to old-time favourites such as A Boy Named Sue, Lola and Walk on the Wild Side.

It really will be a day to remember.

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Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin
Alexander McKibbin is a retired media executive who worked across domestic and international media.

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