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The Liar and Albert


(with apologies to Stanley Holloway)

THERE’S a famous London place called Westminster,

Not noted for fresh air and fun,

But Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom

Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert,

All dressed in his best; quite a swell

With a stick with an ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle,

The finest that Woolworth’s could sell.

They didn’t think much of the river:

The waves, they were fiddlin’ and small,

There was no wrecks and nobody drownded,

Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement,

To the Palace they decided to go,

To see Hyenas and Cheetahs and Liars,

To hear many a hiss and a boo.

There were one great big Liar called Boris;

His hair was all scruffy and blond,

He lay in a somnolent posture,

By a woman of whom he was fond.

Now Albert had heard about Boris,

How he was feckless and wild.

To see Boris lying so peaceful,

Well, it didn’t seem right to the child.

So straightway the brave little feller,

Not showing a morsel of fear,

Took his stick with its ‘orse’s ‘ead ‘andle

And pushed it in Boris’s ear.

You could see that Boris didn’t like it,

For giving a cry of alarm

He pulled Albert inside the cage with ‘im,

And jabbed the little lad’s arm.

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence, 

And didn’t know what to do next,

Said ‘Mother! Yon Boris’s jabbed Albert’,

And Mother said ‘Well, I am vexed!’

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom,

Quite rightly, when all’s said and done,

Complained to the CMO,

That Boris had jabbed their son.

Old Whitty was quite nice about it;

He said ‘What a nasty mishap.

Are you sure that it’s your boy he’s jabbed?’

Pa said ‘Am I sure? There’s his cap!’

The manager had to be sent for.

He came and he said ‘What’s to do?’

Pa said ‘Yon Boris jabbed Albert,

‘And ‘im in his Sunday clothes, too.’

Then Mother said, ‘Right’s right, young feller;

I think it’s a shame and a sin,

For that Boris to go and jab Albert,

And after we’ve paid to come in.’

The manager wanted no trouble,

He took out his purse right away,

Saying ‘How much to settle the matter?’

And Pa said ‘What do you usually pay?’

But Mother had turned a bit awkward

When she thought what Boris had done,

She said ‘No! someone’s got to be summonsed’,

So that was decided upon.

Then off they went to the P’lice Station,

In front of the Magistrate chap;

They told ‘im what happened to Albert,

And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion

That no one was really to blame,

And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms

Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing.

‘And thank you, sir, kindly,’ said she.

‘What waste all our lives raising children

To have ’em jabbed by Boris? Not me!’ 

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John Ellwood
John Ellwood
John is the father of four beautiful girls. He is, thankfully, not knowingly related to Tobias Ellwood. ‘My Dear Friends . . . ’ a compilation of many of John’s contributions to TCW Defending Freedom is available in paperback and on Kindle.

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